#once again you have blessed my inbox with your talent!

[builtbybrokenbells]

Gold Dust Woman | x

Fear of vulnerability becomes obsolete as y/n manages to conquer it once more.

Read part nine here

Listen while reading: Black Magic Woman - Santana or Fleetwood Mac version

Pairing: jake kiszka x f!reader, sam kiszka x f!reader

Word Count: 12.8k

Warnings: SMUT 18+, unprotected sex, oral (f!receiving), fingering (f!receiving), praise, dirty talk, shower sex, biting (slightly), touch of body worship, swearing, drinking, angst, long emotional talks, feelings of insecurity/inferiority, sorry if I miss any!

hello everyone!! posting this as a birthday gift to myself bc i finally managed to finish it!! thanks for participating in the poll and for all the lovely messages I’ve been receiving. I really hope you like this chapter and please feel free to share your thoughts in my inbox 🫶🏻 as always, be kind, enjoy, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes!! (this is also v lightly edited, my apologies 😁)

Moonlight poured in through the large panel windows casting a luminous white glow over the entirety of the room. All other forms of light were off, leaving you relying only on the night to bless you with vision. Your Gold Top was sat in your lap, odd notes ringing through the air when you felt enough energy to pluck the strings. Your pedalboard was sat by your foot, allowing you easy access to it while you sat lazily facing the door in the only armchair the room offered. Your journal was sat atop the table next to you, open to a page of scribbles and various words, none making a bit of sense. Beside it, a crystal clear glass shimmered under the glow of the moon, housing your pick of poison for the night. The ice inside was causing drips of condensation to fall down on the wood below it, tempting you further the longer you looked at it.

You had one leg draped over the side of the chair as you sat on an angle, cradling your guitar in the other. All sense of creativity seemed to have gone, leaving you feeling like you were failing at your only talent. You kicked off the distortion pedal, sick of the same grungy tone you used so often. You strummed a few chords on the clean setting, cocking your head to the side as the sound filled your ears. “There it is,” you whispered, content with the sound and finally finding the motivation to play something worthwhile. You slid your fingers up the fretboard, landing midway between the body and the head. You closed your eyes, using only your memory to guide you. You plucked away at the intro, lowering your foot on the wah pedal just to add a touch of mystique to the sound.

“Got a black magic woman,

Got a black magic woman,

I’ve got a black magic woman

Got me so blind, I can’t see.” You echoed the tune like an anthem, finally feeling the defeat in your heart flowing away.

“That she’s a black magic woman,

She’s tryin’ to make the devil out of me.” You muted the strings, seeming like the song was put to a stop, only to jump in again with the next line.

“Don’t turn your back on me baby,

Don’t turn your back on me baby,

Yes, don’t turn your back on me, baby

Stop messing round with your tricks,

Don’t turn your back on me baby,

You might just pick up my magic sticks.” You let out a sigh of content, kicking on some light distortion and leading yourself into the solo with ease. You let your head fall back on the chair, eyes screwed shut in concentration as your fingers danced over the strings. As you finished, you let out a breath you had been holding for quite some time, feeling your head spin slightly. Of course, the alcohol was more to blame, but you were never willing to admit to your own intoxication.

You continued singing, the low pitched melody settling in your chest the way music should; filling any emptiness and replacing any discontent. You sang yourself through to the end of the song, taking in a breath so you could sing the last line.

“I need you so bad, magic woman, I can’t leave you alone.” The voice startled you, as did the flash of fluorescent hallway lights that flooded your room. You looked to the door, a laugh on your lips as you noticed the intruder.

“Sing it again, baby.” You said, leading him back into the last line for a moment of sweetness. He took a few steps towards you, a smile growing as he approached.

“I need you so bad, magic woman, I just can’t leave you alone.” He sang, slow and gentle, but impactful and with clear intent. You plucked the last few notes, letting the final one ring until it faded on its own. “Santana?” He asked.

“Y/n, actually.” You corrected, knowing that no interaction with Sam would be complete without at least a little bit of teasing. “And if you’re referring to the song, it’s Peter Green. Shouldn’t you know that, rockstar?”

“Sorry, slipped my mind.” He chuckled, looking around your room with curiosity.

“I’ll forgive and forget, just because you put on such a good show.” You said, leaning forward and switching off the power to your amp. “Minus a point for showing up without an invitation.”

“Your door was open. Thought that was enough of an invitation.” He raised an eyebrow, challenging you. You gave a shrug, placing your guitar back in its case.

“Got me there.” You conceded, both of you knowing that you were only joking with him anyway. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Just thought I’d visit. Haven’t seen much of you lately. I miss you.” His transparency was haunting, mostly due to the reasoning behind your sudden absence. Your withdrawal had everything to do with his brother and the profound connection you had felt with him the night you had made your confession of love. Since then, you found it difficult to look Sam in the eye. Despite it feeling so right at the time, you held guilt for having to choose which brother to proclaim love to first. More than that, you felt guilt because it was not Sam who came out on top.

Although guilty, you did not hold any remorse or regret for what unfolded that night in your hotel room. You loved Jake, and you were incredibly relieved to have finally spoken it aloud. You had no desire to withdraw the confession, because it was the truth. But as you had learned, especially when it came to loving the brothers, the truth hurt and sometimes it hurt excruciatingly bad. You knew that you could love Jake and feel bad for shunning Sam all the same, and despite many beliefs, you absolutely can love two people at once. Not only were you struggling with the idea of opening your soul to Jake, you were also struggling with sadness at the thought of pushing Sam away when you so desperately wanted to do the same with him.

So, in short, you had found yourself in yet another cycle of self-punishment for the things that you could not control. You could not control the love you had for Jake, and you could not control the love you had for his brother. Instead of finding the courage to confess to Sam, too, you had locked yourself away in hopes that you would never have to face the harrowing truth of your own complicated emotions. “I miss you too, Sammy.” You replied, turning your head to watch as he took a seat on the edge of your bed.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” He asked, his question loaded and his tone soft. How could you begin to explain without inviting him to ask all of the questions you did not want to answer? You reached for the whiskey glass calling to you, taking a sip of liquid courage before trying to conjure a response.

“So much to say, so little time.” You muttered, clasping the cold glass between both of your hands. The shock of the chill seemed to regulate your brain as it swirled with aimless thoughts and worries.

“I have all night.” He assured you. “Should I close the door?”

“You don’t want the world to know about our dirty laundry?” You smirked, sipping back more of the beverage in your hand. “I’m sure they’d get some good entertainment from it.” He let out a low chuckle as he stood to close the door of the room, locking out any intruders and locking in any confessions. There was nothing inside now but the sound of your sorrow, and the weight of the unspoken love that you couldn’t seem to fess up to. He returned to the bed, the moonlight cascading upon him like a cloak of protection. Unfortunately, not even the comfort of the moon could lessen the pain in your hearts. He could feel the weight of your troubled soul before he ever stepped foot inside the room, and the only thing he could hope was that it did not come from your desire to leave him.

“I saw you and Jake leave the bar that night.” He stated, his words echoing off the walls and striking you with every rebound. You chose to keep your chair pointed away from him in hopes that you could keep your composure. Everything always seemed infinitely harder when you were looking into his eyes.

“I don’t want to talk about your brother.” You said, tone flat and setting a firm boundary. “I want to talk about you.”

“The floor is yours, princess.” He said, inviting anything and everything more than what you were giving him, even if it turned volatile. You ran your fingers over the fabric of your jeans, racking your brain for the best way to begin the conversation.

“We’ve been doing this for a while now, Sam. I think it’s time that we start thinking about the future.” You explained, stomach sick at the thought of tomorrow. “I feel like I’ve been blindly trusting that time will make things easier, but it’s only made it harder. I’m starting to believe that this won’t end until it kills us.”

“Do you want to end this?” He asked, but aimed to keep his inquiry vague in hopes that he would not be met with a devastating response.

“It has to eventually, right?” You scoffed. “I mean, we can’t keep going through life when all we’re doing is hurting each other.”

“I don’t think we’ve only been hurting each other,” his rebuttal was soft. “It certainly hasn’t been easy, but I’m incredibly grateful for the time I get to spend with you.” His words warmed your heart, sending a rush of joy through you despite feeling like you did not deserve it.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” He assured you, wishing that you would turn around so he could see your face.

“I…” you had no idea what to ask first, previously believing that your instincts would guide you through the difficult conversation, but your instincts had never been kind to you before. After all, they were the exact reason you were in the situation you had been struggling with so much. “I need to know the truth. It’s time I asked you everything we’ve been running away from.”

“Whatever you want to know, baby.”

“All those months ago… did you ever notice me?”

“Notice you?” He wanted clarification, unsure of what exactly you were referring to.

“Yeah,” you cleared your throat, trying to rid yourself from the crackle of fear in your voice. You needed to know, but you were unsure if you wanted to. “Before… before Jake. I want to know if you noticed me, or if you saw how much I noticed you.”

“Of course I did, y/n.” He defended, trying to comprehend the thought of you not knowing how much he cared.

“I just… fuck!” You exclaimed in no more than a whisper. You ran your hand through your hair, pulling at the strands in hopes that the proper words would come to you. You knew the longer you deliberated your questions, the more confusing they would become. “Then why did you never say anything! Why did you let me sit there and hope that you wanted me, too?”

“I… I don’t know.” He muttered, ashamed that he couldn’t give you a better answer.

“It’s time to know, Sam! Because I need to know, and if you can’t give me any reason to believe you’re not lying, I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I sat there every night praying that you would come and talk to me, or that maybe you would just look in my direction and notice how much I cared about you. You can’t tell me that you didn’t know I loved you, because it’s been painfully obvious since the minute I met you.” You stopped yourself to take another sip from your drink, hoping that the burn would distract you from your breaking heart, but it was just another shot to fill the void that only ever seemed to grow larger. “It only ever seemed like you wanted me when you were scared of someone else having me.”

“That’s not true,” he shook his head, horrified that you would ever think that. “I know I was stupid, and I wish I could make up for the mistakes I made, but I know that they’re always going to hurt you no matter what I do. I can’t take it away, even if I wanted to!”

“Jesus Christ, Sam. The door is closed, the lights are off, you can stop acting! I’m sick of the ‘I dont knows’ and the ‘I’m sorrys’. Why did I only ever exist to you when Jake came into the picture? I didn’t exist when other girls were hanging off your arm, or when there was someone better to talk to, so if your interest in me is more than just a pissing contest with your brother, I need to know!” You exploded, your chest feeling like it was going to explode. You wanted to turn around, to face him while you spat your accusations to at least see if he appeared guilty, but you couldn’t bring yourself to move. You knew the minute you saw him, nothing would matter anymore. It was the way your relationship worked; all other issues seemed obsolete when in his company. The beauty of him seemed to outshine any pain, and the comfort that surrounded him was always greater than any turmoil you could imagine. If you were going to get a confession, you would only have the power to do it as long as he wasn’t looking into your eyes.

“More than a pissing contest?” He reiterated your comment, baffled at the lack of understanding you had for him. “Is that what you think this is?”

“What else am I supposed to think, Sam?”

“You’re supposed to know how much you mean to me. You’re supposed to know that after three months of dates and playing house, you mean more to me than bragging rights!” His tone was strong, clearly bothered by your unwillingness to see him as he was. “I’m not falling in love with you for some ulterior motive. I’m not hurting over this because I think it’s fun to play with everyones feelings.” He said, the strain of emotion heavy on his shoulders. “I noticed you, y/n. You just didn’t care to see it, because you’re so fucking afraid of being in love that it changed the way you view the world.”

“That’s not fair,” you snapped, matching his temper with ease. Your fear of love was not an insult to be thrown, and you wanted to make that perfectly clear.

“It is fair, because it’s true. You asked, and I’m answering, so sit there and be quiet.” You wanted to fight back, but you were too stunned at the tone of voice he was speaking in. Sam had never been anything other than gentle with you, and it was shocking to hear anything close to anger in his words. “I noticed. I see you, y/n, even when you won’t let yourself believe that I do. I thought that I showed you over the last few months, but I’m okay with telling you, too. You don’t have to answer, or tell me if I’m right, because I already know that I am.” You furrowed your eyebrows, unsure of what he was getting at. You only had to be confused for a moment before he began again. “Right now, you have a ring on your middle finger. It only has one stone, and it’s a moonstone. It’s a little cloudy, and sometimes when the light hits it, it looks blue. I thought it was an opal, but when I asked, you told me it was a moonstone. I don’t really know what those are, and I had never heard of them before you told me, but I love them, because now they remind me of you. You wear that ring every day, y/n. I’ve never seen you without it.” You looked down at your hand, eyes drifting over your middle finger. You stomach churned with regret as the stone glistened in the pale light from the moon. He was right, and in your time of knowing him, you had never taken it off.

“You have a speckle of brown in your left eye. It’s right under your pupil, and you can only notice it when you look closely, because from far away it just blends in. When you smile, there’s two little dimples in the corners of your mouth. When you’re nervous, you play with your hair. You can’t play beer pong unless your partner is on your right, because you have this little superstition and you think it’s bad luck to play any other way. You’re always the last one to go to bed when we’re hanging out, and you claim it’s because you’re a night owl, but I know that it’s because you can’t sleep unless you make sure everybody else is taken care of. You hate beer. You’ve always been open about that, but it’s so bad that you won’t let us hug you if we’ve been drinking it because you can’t even stand the smell.”

He was right; every little thing he had listed was undeniably true, and the knowledge he collected extended far beyond the few weeks of intimacy you had shared.

“You love the moon, your biggest idol is Stevie Nicks, and you blush when you’re lying. You love to love people, but don’t know how to accept when people love you. You invite everyone to your house because you hate when it’s quiet, and cheap tequila makes you sick. You love the colour green so much that you thought about painting your entire house the same colour, and you think pizza is overrated.” He finished, feeling like he had made his point abundantly clear. “I know you, y/n, and I always have. You can be mad at the stupid decisions I’ve made, but you don’t get to say that I don’t notice you. I notice you so much that it’s hard to see anything else.”

“Why did you wait so long? If you cared so much, what were you so scared of?”

“Everything!” He exclaimed. “I was terrified, and I didn’t know how to get over that. I still don’t, but I’m trying.”

“Did Jake light that fire in you?”

“You lit that fire!” He stood, too passionate about the topic to remain staring at the back of your head. He placed his hand on the arm of your chair and spun it around so you could face him. “You said you didn’t want to talk about my brother, so why are you making it about him?”

“Because you made it seem like it was about him!” You snapped, looking up at him with fire in your eyes. “So you payed attention, but I didn’t catch your eye enough for you to make a move? You let someone else shoot their shot before you thought I was worth the energy! I was in love with you for years, and nobody else ever compared to you. If you asked, I would have given you the world. I would have killed myself just to keep you alive! You let girls flirt with you in my house while I sat there and waited for you like a fucking idiot!”

“What girls, y/n?” He was shouting now, both of you caught up in the moment and unwilling to back down. “What girls are you talking about, because I don’t seem to recall it the way you do!” You recoiled at the strength of his words. “The girls that I had conversations with, but barely ever remembered their names? Maybe had an arm around every now and then? I’m sorry if you perceived it differently, but I was not flirting with them, and not once did I ever take anyone home! If you wanted to, you would have realized that I was giving you the exact same treatment, and my brothers, too! I wasn’t flirting, and I wasn’t with a single girl after I met you. That is the truth, even if you don’t want to believe it!” Your stomach sank, the malice fleeing your body and guilt rolling in to replace it.

Your love for him had skewed your perception of the situation, and now that he was laying it all on the table, he was correct. Looking back on the past without the pessimism and confusion clouding your judgement, he had never once touched nor talked to another girl in the way he did with you in the recent weeks. Back then, when he had a moment of seclusion with you, he acted the very same way as he did with the girls at your parties. You never saw Sam leave with a girl in tow, and you had never found a girl scrambling from your spare bedroom early in the morning before anyone else was awake. He was breaking down your previous notions about your relationship and reconstructing them with pillars of truth. You were the master at overthinking, and the queen of oblivion. The memories seemed to flood back into your brain with more clarity than ever before.

“What are you doing sitting all by yourself?” The sweet tone broke you from any internal brooding, immediately reigning importance over any other thought of the night. You looked up from your drink, the boom of music from the speakers beside you not even loud enough to overtake the beautiful sound of his voice. Your eyes landed on Sam, who was smiling down at you with tipsiness engraved in his features.

“Waiting for you to come and talk to me,” you joked, but the truth underneath the surface was painfully obvious.

“Why wait? You could’ve came and found me.” He grinned, eyes glistening with joy at the thought of you wanting to talk to him.

“I like to be chased, not do the chasing.” You giggled, hoping he would pick up on your humour.

“If that’s the case, I’d be happy to chase you.” He took a seat beside you on the couch, not caring about intruding nor asking permission.

“You don’t have anything better to do?” You said, nervous at the closeness of his body. His leg was practically resting on yours, and you had to bargain with the idea that he chose to sit so close despite the entirely vacant couch.

“When it comes to you? Never.”

You thought you were going to be sick, the rush of blood from your head making you feel woozy and the thud of your heart against your ribs growing more aggressive by the second.

“Hey, you better not be playing beer pong without me!” A voice called from behind you as you walked by with two ping pong balls in hand. Your head snapped towards the source of the sound, gaze immediately landing upon the youngest Kiszka brother. He was standing next to a blonde who seemed enthralled in his every move, but he wasn’t looking at anything but you. “Thought we were partners for life?”

“Better hurry if you want to join.” You sing-songed as you continued walking towards the fold out table, knowing that he likely wouldn’t want to leave his conversation to accompany you. You didn’t make it a point to stare, but had you waited a second longer before turning away, you would have noticed Sam ditch his company without as much as a second glance.

You let your head fall back on the chair, feeling the scratch of tears in your throat and your heart begin to ache.

Slumped over in the kitchen chair, you let your head rest on the table in hopes that the cool wood would satiate the ache in your skull. You couldn’t even seem to find the energy to get up for a glass of water and an Advil. Even if you did, the painkillers wouldn’t take away the hurt in your heart. You had drank your way through the last of your liquor the previous night until it guided you to sleep. By the end of the bottle, you still hadn’t seemed to forget the sight of Sam laughing with the pretty brunette your coworker had brought to the party with her. All other memories? Well, they were obsolete. In comparison, even if you were able to remember the rest of the night, no memory would be nearly as daunting as the one of Sam smiling down at another girl.

“Good morning, sunshine.” The words accompanied footsteps, and had you not recognized the voice so well, you wouldn’t have bothered to look up.

“Morning, Sammy.” You squinted as your eyes tried to adjust to the brightness.

“Headache?” He asked, moving towards the cupboard on top of the fridge. He didn’t need to ask to know; you always had a headache when you were hungover, and you had nursed a bottle of cheap tequila until the bitter end. In truth, he was expecting to find you in a much worse state.

“Mhm,” you mustered the noise in lieu of a verbal response, hoping that it would be easier on your migraine. Sam closed the cabinet after retrieving what he intended to grab. He moved to the sink, filling a glass with water and setting it beside you. He took a seat in a chair, accompanying you in hopes that it might make you feel better. When you looked towards the two pills he sat on the table, you gave him a small smile of thanks. You took them, feeling better at the idea of relief alone.

“Where’s your company?” You asked, hoping to seem nonchalant with the comment. He furrowed his eyebrows, unsure of who you referring to.

“Right here?” He replied, motioning to you.

“No,” you chuckled. “The girl from last night. You two seemed to hit it off, thought maybe it would go somewhere.” He appeared to be racking his brain to recall the girl in question. After a moment, his eyes lit up with clarity.

“Oh, no. I don’t even think I caught her name. After I helped you out, I just went to bed.”

“Helped me out?” You questioned.

“You don’t remember?” You shook your head, anxiety creeping into your chest as you waited for him to elaborate. “You were pretty drunk, and you seemed upset, so I thought I’d check in on you. You were sick for a while, so I stayed with you until you felt good enough to go to sleep. Brought you upstairs to help you to bed, and we ended up talking for a while.”

“Oh god, I’m so sorry.” You groaned “did I say anything stupid?”

“No,” he smiled, recalling the memory “it was nice, actually. I mean, you were upset and cried for a little while, but you wouldn’t tell me why. Once you calmed down, we laughed about it and you asked if I would stay until you fell asleep. Think we listened to the same record for an hour before you started to doze off.”

“Was it a good one at least?”

“It was a great one,” he nodded, but he only enjoyed it so much because you loved it, and if he had to admit, It was his new favourite album, mostly because you had fallen asleep in his arms to it. He decided to keep that memory to himself, locked away in the back of his mind for safe keeping. He didn’t want you to feel embarrassed about it, and he was too scared to admit that he enjoyed it.

“Thanks,” you felt your cheeks tinge red.

“My pleasure.” He assured you.

“I’m sorry if I ruined your chances with her. She seemed nice.” You felt the need to apologize despite your elation at the knowledge he had spent the remainder of his night with you. You wished you could remember what it felt like to be in seclusion with him, desperate to know what intimacy felt like at the hands of Sam Kiszka.

“Oh, no, no need to apologize. I’m always happy to help you out, y/n. Besides, I’m not looking for anything like that, anyway.” He said, reaching out to place a gentle hand on your arm to reassure you he meant what he said. Your stomach burned with desire for him, but your head was screaming at you to remember the picture of him laughing with the nameless girl. Instead of realizing that you were both feeling the same way about each other, you allowed yourself to hurt over the thought of him showing interest in another girl, when in reality his interest was only in you.

“Oh my god, Sam.” You put your head in your hands, desperate to rid yourself of the remorse that was eating you alive. The memories were endless, pouring in with no intent to slow. You had been foolish, equating your lack of intimacy with him to a lack of interest. He did care, and he cared more than you ever realized. You were so afraid of falling that you failed to understand that he had fallen just as hard, terrified of the same fate. “I’m so sorry.” You muttered, trying to control the wavering of your voice. Tears were stinging your eyes, the reality harrowing and the darkness of the night matching the feeling in your heart. He loved you the same as you loved him, but you were both too foolish to find enough courage to open your souls to each other.

“Do you get it now?” He attempted to mask his own hurt, but it was crystal clear. The weight of it was settled on both of you, making it impossible to think of anything else. “I cared, y/n, but you never wanted to see it. You didn’t know how to let me care about you, so you convinced yourself that I didn’t. We were both scared, and we both made mistakes. Don’t paint me as the devil when you were doing just the same.” He took a seat again, defeated from his own confession. “I haven’t been pointing fingers at you for falling for Jake, and I feel like that is just as criminal as anything I’ve done.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because I’m terrified! I always have been, and you never said anything either, so I had myself convinced that I was imagining something that wasn’t really there!” He said, looking up to meet your eyes. His sin was heavy in his gaze, as was yours. “I hurt the only person I’ve ever fallen in love with, and the world hasn’t forgiven me since. I haven’t even forgiven me.”

“Talk to me, Sammy.” You held his stare, eyes burning into his soul. “Tell me, so I can understand.” He debated the choice, knowing that if he opened up to you, you would see every part of him, good and bad. If he didn’t, he would lose you indefinitely, and there would only be him to blame for letting you walk out the door. After a moment of silence, he took a breath before divulging into the story he’d tried so hard to bury forever.

“It’s strange, you know. It feels like we’ve been cursed for life, and I’m not sure what we ever did to deserve it.” He started, the first blow striking the wall in hopes of breaking it down. “No matter how hard we avoid it, Jake and I always seem to find ourselves in the same situation. Every single girl I’ve ever fallen for has fallen for him, too, and vice versa. It’s horrible knowing that no matter what, we only ever get to enjoy love for a moment. When we were younger, I think we were stupid and cocky. We saw it as a game, which is horrible.” You nodded along, hoping to encourage him to keep talking. “When we went on tour for the first time, it was so surreal. I mean, we were still kids, y/n, barely grown and travelling the world.” He laughed at the memory, finding it mind blowing to recall.

“We snuck into a bar one night. Well, Danny and I did. Jake and Josh were barely old enough to get in, and we managed to scrape by. Turns out, the bar wasn’t very hard to get into, because it looked like it was crawling with high school students.” He found another chuckle amidst the pain of honesty. “I met a girl about a year or two older than me. She was fantastic, and we ended up talking all night. So much that when they were closing up the place, they had to kick us out. We texted back and fourth, got to know each other, and then seemed to be on the phone constantly. Eventually, we got fed up and she flew out to travel with us for a little while. Things were really good, and she took breaks from travelling with us to go home for a while. When a situation is good, it gets comfortable, and when you’re that young and your life is all over the place like mine was, comfortable is the same as boring in your mind.”

“I got drunk and hooked up with another girl while she was travelling with me. It was my fault, and I’ll never try and say otherwise. I hurt her, and I still feel guilty about it. She was the first person I fell in love with, even if I was young and didn’t really know what love meant. After we fought, she ended up in Jake’s bed. It killed me, even if I did deserve it. Jake and I fought like never before, and I don’t think we ever really recovered from it. Since then, I guess we always let the pattern repeat instead of putting an end to it. I think we both feel like there’s no point in trying to avoid it, because it’s inevitable anyway.”

“I’m sorry, Sam.” Even though you knew the story, it seemed to hit so much harder when you could see the emotion in his face.

“I don’t want sympathy, y/n. I deserved what I got, and I know that. Pain doesn’t make someone innocent.” You nodded, understanding completely what he was saying. “When I fell for you, I fell so fast and hard that it nearly shattered my soul. I was scared because of how much I cared about you, but I was even more scared that he would steal you away. It’s not a good excuse, and it never has been, but it’s the truth. I thought if I kept how I felt hidden, I could enjoy you more, because then I wouldn’t have to watch you fall in love with Jake. I could see he felt the same way for you that I did. It may not have been obvious to everyone, but it was to me. I didn’t want to compete for you, but it looks like we ended up here, anyway.” He ran a hand through his hair, feeling disgusted at how the predicament continued to repeat itself.

“So yeah, when Jake made a move on you it certainly made me realize how much I could lose, but I didn’t pursue you solely because I didn’t want him to have you. That would be disgusting, and I might not be perfect, but I would never put you through that.”

“I wish… I wish we could have said something sooner. It would have made everything so much easier.” You whispered, aching to reach out and touch him. He looked up from the floor, eyes settling on your face as a sad smile crossed his lips.

“Maybe, but I doubt it. Jake wouldn’t have let you go without a fight, and I don’t blame him. You’re worth all of the pain, and I’d go through it a million times if it meant I could be with you, even just for a little while.” He said, holding your gaze. “I fell in love with that girl, and I fucked it up. Y/n, how I feel for you is far beyond anything I have ever felt for her. I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much, but I do. I love you, but I am terrified of hurting you. I learned lessons that sucked, and I know I would never do that to you, but it scares me to know that I have the power to cause you any type of pain. The only thing I have ever wanted to do is love you, and no matter if it’s forever or only for a little while, I’m still beyond grateful that I got the chance.”

“You mean it?” Your words were barely loud enough to break through the silence, but he heard you. No matter where you were in the world, or how much distance between you, Sam would move heaven and earth to ensure someone was there to listen to you. Your voice was his favourite melody, the most beautiful thing he had ever heard. He was certain that he would never hear anything that compared, and he would certainly never search for it. He adored you, and he did not care solely because he wanted to stop Jake from having you. He cared because he did; there was no personal gain nor any hidden benefit. He loved you completely, and he loved you for you. The suffering, the heartache, and even the fear of losing was not enough to deter him from loving you, because it was the best thing he had ever experienced.

“I’ve never meant anything more in my entire life.” He refrained from reaching out to you, wondering if you would make the first move. He thought he had pushed you far enough with his words, and he didn’t want to scare you away. “I love you, y/n. Always have, and I always will. I will love you until you don’t want me to anymore, and I’ll keep loving you long after that, even if I have to keep it to myself.”

“I love you, Sam. I fell in love with you long before this started.” You breathed, feeling the weight of the world being lifted off your chest. It felt just as good to be honest with him as it did with Jake, but you had not laid the full truth on the table. “But I love him, too.”

“I know.” He said, unable to be upset at you for your honesty. “I just hope that in the end, you realize you love me a little bit more.” You gave him a sad smile, the sullen reply ripping your heart straight from your chest. “I know you can’t control what your heart wants, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed. If not, I’ll be happy as long as you are.” You were furious with yourself for not being able to end the suffering. Your greed was affecting everyone around you, and you couldn’t seem to find the courage to put a stop to it. You had so much history with Sam, and it seemed like the most logical option to be with him, especially considering your years of feelings for him. But logic had never been your friend, and it was a stranger when it came to the brothers. As much as you wanted to fall into Sam’s arms and be with him, you felt like you were stuck to the ground. You were not ready for that choice, and if you were to act impulsively, you couldn’t ensure you wouldn’t double back on your decision.

Worst, of all, you couldn’t stomach the thought of hurting Jake in that way. The conversation with Sam, the profession of love and all of the understanding was simple. So simple that it seemed too good to be true. The clarity you had gained from your discussion was incredible, and it seemed so much easier to confess your love to Sam. The fiery and emotional nature of your confession to Jake made your head spin when you thought about it for too long, and it was all but simple to talk about your feelings with him. But, you had come to learn that intimacy was not supposed to be easy, and by defaulting to loving Sam due to a lack of hardship was not fair to either boy. If you were to decide to love Sam based on simplicities, it would do nothing but make you a coward who could not find the gall to do hard things.

You sipped on your drink, desperate to find something to put your mind to rest. You both sat in silence, looking away from each other in hopes that the other would speak first. “Do you think that there’s another universe where we get to love each other more?” You finally broke the silence, looking up at him with a glimmer of hope in your eye.

“It’s impossible, because in every universe, I love you the same.” He gave you a sad smile. “Maybe there’s one where we can love each other easily.”

“I’d like to know what that one is like.” You felt tears threatening to spill onto your cheeks. “I bet it would be fantastic.” He gave a shrug, feeling a stab to his chest at the sight of the tears overflowing from your eyes.

“This one is too, princess. Loving you is fantastic, even if it’s not perfect.” You closed your eyes, feeling a sob fall from your lips. You wished you could go back in time and stop yourself from falling into the trap, to understand that despite your confidence, the situation was bound to be disastrous. But, at the same time, even if it was painful, loving them had been the most fun you had in your entire life. No matter which boy you picked, or even if you picked neither, you did not regret the time you spent with them. Going back and avoiding your mistakes may have saved you some hurt in the future, but it would have never taught you the lessons you needed to learn.

In your time spent with them, you learned that it was okay to open your heart enough to make room for another. You could finally realize that vulnerability was not the enemy, and intimacy was not as terrifying as you had previously thought. In fact, it was incredibly enjoyable when shared with the right person. You learned that you had the ability to love, and what it meant to love another wholly and completely. Better yet, you were shown that you could be loved, which was something you had never felt before in your entire life. You had always taken the stance of keeping people out for two reasons; the damage they could cause, and the damage they would find. By doing so, you failed to realize that people could introduce a lot more into your life than just pain, and your demons were not as threatening with two people standing guard. You did not regret the decision to love both brothers, even though you knew that the future was not as bright as the beginning. You were thankful to finally know what it felt like to be loved by another, and that they made your realize that you deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else.

“I think that I’m going to need some time to think about all of this.” You said, wiping your cheeks clean from the sadness. “Maybe take a step back, just to straighten out my head.”

“As long as I leave here tonight knowing that you know how much I care about, you can take as much time as you need. I just need to know that you understand, and I’ll wait forever for you if I have to.” He was tempted to hold you, to take the initiative and wipe the tears from your face in hopes of washing the pain away, too. It was hard to resist, but he wanted you to decide if you wanted it or not. He was not going to be the person to push you to love him, because in reality, it would do nothing but push you away.

“Can we… tomorrow?” You asked, not feeling like shutting him out immediately after such confessions. “I don’t want to be responsible, yet. I just want to enjoy this for a little while longer. I’m going to take some time, but I’ll start in the morning.”

“Are you sure?” He wanted clarification before jumping to action, needing to know that you were certain about your decision.

“We said I love you, Sam.” You managed a small laugh through the turmoil that was still ravaging your brain. “I think we’re allowed one night to enjoy it before we have to make any hard decisions.” He watched you for a moment, giving you ample opportunity to change your mind. When you showed no signs of regressing, he jumped from the bed with a new found burst of life. You barely had time to comprehend his sudden move before he was in front of you, reaching down and scooping you into his arms.

Despite the pain that was still thick in the air, you both found yourselves in a shriek of laughter. You wrapped your legs around him, cradling his face in your hands as he made sure you were secure in his grip. “Say it again.” His grin was blinding, making it hard to believe that there were tears in his eyes only moments before. “Please.”

“I love you, Sammy.” He let the words linger, revelling in the bliss before he pulled you into a kiss. It was messy, a show of desperation for each other after being deprived of it all night. It was the perfect show of the truth behind the saying ‘sometimes you don’t know what you’re missing until you’ve come across it’. You had lived your whole life without ever feeling love, romantic or otherwise, and now you were so full of it that you weren’t sure you could ever live without it. You had been so afraid of something that felt so good, even within its own repercussions. You knew you would even miss the bad that came along with it if you were ever deprived of love again.

“I love you,” he mumbled, barely taking the time to part from the kiss. “I love you,” he said again, his smile growing every time he spoke. “I love you so much, y/n.” You thought you would be able to live off the euphoria of being loved by him forever. You leaned forward for another kiss, laughing as you did so. The moment of childish glee was beautiful, especially after the weight of the conversation. It did not take long for the passion from the moment to manifest itself into something larger, neediness increasingly radiating from both of you the longer you had access to each other.

He carefully stepped backwards, lowering himself onto the mattress and gently settling you in his lap. When you were situated, you broke away for air. He took advantage of the opportunity and made a move to slip your shirt over your head. The sting of the air on your skin was a shock, but when his hands came back to you, you forgot the feeling almost instantly. As he brought his mouth back to your own, his fingers unhooked your bra. You dropped your arms from around his neck and let it fall to the floor with little care. He let his lips drift down your neck, gracing you with delicacy and adoration in the small movements. You let out a shaky breath as he worked his way downwards, pulling your nipple into his mouth to continue his physical show of love.

“God, Sam.” You breathed, the moment of physical intimacy amplifying the emotional intimacy you had divulged in. The feeling of his tongue on your skin was intoxicating, his touch similar to that of a wicked entity. The only thing that reminded you that it truly was Sam behind your pleasure was the familiarity of his hands and the weight of your adoration for him. You despised that both brothers seemed to make you into a fool for them with ease, like it was not a struggle for them to hold complete power over you with a single glance. Their power had only grown stronger over the months, and it could only be accredited to you falling victim to love. It was almost funny, how you claimed harm at their hands, but seemed to be holding the gun and prompting the pull of the trigger.

Your hips moved down on him, desperate for any type of friction to relieve the growing ache between your legs. One of his hands dropped downwards, settling on your ass and holding you to him, his own need showing through the small action. You let out a hiss of pleasure as he gently sunk his teeth into your nipple, the surprise of his action adding to the sensation. He broke away from you, looking up at you with lust heavily clouding his gaze. You were both long overdue for more, and weren’t willing to wait any longer. You shuffled to your feet, unbuttoning your jeans and pulling them off in one swift motion. He let his eyes drift over your exposed skin, his breath caught in his throat as he tried to comprehend your beauty. He was practically feral at the sight, crazed at the thought of being able to see you in such a way, but he held himself back in hopes that you could make the night last as long as possible.

“You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he said, catching your eye as he spewed out the compliment. You felt your cheeks heat red, a smile pulling on the corner of your lips as the words struck you like lightning. A compliment from Sam was worth the world and more, and you knew you could live off them for the rest of your life.

Everything about the brothers was so phenomenal that it made it hard to believe that they were real; you could not comprehend perfection taking form in a human body, but somehow the universe had managed it twice. You wanted to love them forever, to never know what it was like to be deprived of them, but you knew it was not plausible. It was time for you to grow up, to put a stop to the immature behaviour and finally begin to think first, rather than act. You had let the devil lead the way for far too long, and it was finally time to take back the power that you had willingly given away. The only way to stop the hurt was to stop the entanglement, and even if the idea of losing one or both of them hurt so badly, the decision was long overdue.

Then again, you would not be a Gold Dust Woman if not for your tendency to destroy yourself at the hands of your own desires. In true Gold fashion, you allowed the night to continue on even with the knowledge it would do nothing but make the choice even more difficult.

He stood, slipping his own shirt over his head. You felt the same skip in your heartbeat, the sight immediately taking your breath away. He noticed your reaction, unable to stop the smile from creeping onto his face. “You’re not so bad yourself,” you replied, hoping that he couldn’t sense the nervousness in your tone. Somehow even after months, he still seemed to make you nervous when in his presence. He took a step towards you, cupping your cheek in his hand as he pulled you in for another kiss. It was like an addiction for him, almost impossible to resist. “Shower?” You mumbled against his lips, the idea enticing him almost as much as it did for you.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” He asked, barely parted from you. You let out a giggle, walking away in the direction of the bathroom. He followed closely, not willing to let you get too far away.

You flicked the light on, immediately reaching into the shower and turning on the faucet. Within a few seconds, steam had already began accumulating in the air. Instead of waiting for you to get in, Sam’s hands slipped around your waist. You smiled at the familiar feeling, wishing you could exist within his touch until the end of time. Something about his hands on you gave you the relief you’d been so deeply craving, and not in a sexual sense. The gentleness always eluded to a future without suffering, and even if the momentary touch was the only time you felt that way, it was nice to finally have some peace amidst the chaos.

He pulled you into him, limiting you from stepping into the shower. You wanted to complain, to voice your excitement for the soothing warmth of the water, but being in his arms always triumphed. He leaned down, letting his lips drift over your shoulders and any exposed part of your neck. Your eyes closed, melting into him and willing to accept whatever he had in store for you. With great care, he guided you towards the countertop until your back gently connected with it. The cold shocked you, searing your skin with the unfamiliar temperature, but you didn’t have time to think much about it. Sam had firmly grabbed your hips, lifting you up and setting you down in one swift motion. He moved forward, settling between your legs so easily, like he belonged there without question.

He brought his lips back to your own, but only for a moment. He worked his way down your neck, to your shoulders and down your chest. Slowly, he sunk to his knees before you with his head nestled comfortably between your thighs. You bit down on your lip, silencing the gasp that you so badly wanted to let out. Your heart was racing, overly excited for what was to come next. His fingers were branding his name into you forever. You knew that when the sun rose in the sky, and you took your inevitable step away, your body would still be littered with Sam. It would be so overwhelmingly obvious that distance would not even begin to diminish the strength in which you needed him. In a moment of weakness and fear of the aching loneliness that was to come, you almost jumped into his arms forever. After the moment passed, you knew you could not discard Jake so easily, especially after the raw intimacy you had shared with him.

When Sam’s mouth connected with your cunt, rationality was no longer the leading thought in your head. Although the devil continued to push you further into Sam’s arm, another one was holding you tightly, pleading with you to stop. At first glance, it seemed to want to protect you from the downfall you were headed towards by allowing Sam access to you while feeling such turmoil. Then again, it would not be the devil if it had no ill intent, and it was not holding you back in fear of soothing broken hearts. The part of you leaning away from Sam was leaning directly into Jake, serially motivated by the desire you had for him and your fear of letting him go. As much as you wanted to fall in love with Sam forever, it was just not possible at the moment. As much as you craved to be with Jake, the time was not right. Which was exactly why time is what you needed, spent away from them and their ability to captivate you. The closer you were with them, the harder it was to resist the love they gave to you. Pain was guaranteed either way, but you had to chose the option that you believed would hurt the least.

But only after one more bad decision, of course.

“Fuck,” you panted, chest burning from the lack of air in your lungs. Sam was working hard, determined to prove a point with his tongue. You weren’t certain exactly what he was trying to prove, but he was doing it well. The steam in the air was thick, melt from the shower but some purely from the energy between you both. Your hand was in his hair, gripping at the roots and holding him to you. He hummed against you, pleased with your enjoyment. It seemed the more disheveled you became, the harder he worked to make it worse. “G-god, Sam. Please don’t stop.” You whined as your head fell backwards. Your eyes were squeezed shut, the burning in your belly almost unbearable.

He used his hands on your hips to pull you closer to the edge, tongue never faltering as he did so. He dropped his arm from the hold he had on you and added his fingers to you, slowly pumping them as he moved his mouth upwards to focus on your clit. The moans you were expelling were vulgar, painting the walls with every sin you already had, and continued to commit. You were so lost in pleasure that any thoughts of right and wrong had disintegrated into nothing. Everything was Sam; you felt like you were being consumed by him, his aura so powerful that you were crumbling into nothing. Dying would be an honour if it were at his hands, and you knew that the descent would be nothing but comfortable as long as you could feel his touch until the bitter end. “Sam,” you repeated, unsure if you could hold back your orgasm any longer. He curled his fingers upwards as he pumped them into you, a small encouragement for you to let go.

With the slight change in angle and the relentless speed of his tongue, your legs began to shake. Your muscled tensed, and you felt yourself clench against his fingers. With only last warning, so weak that it barely sounded over the putter of water against the shower floor, your climax washed over you. Your chest ached from the intensity, limbs begging you to relax, but you couldn’t seem to slow the ferocity of the moment. Your head was spinning, filling with thoughts of nothing but the boy between your legs. You were so filled with love for him that you thought your heart may explode. As you came down, sweat glistening on your skin and the pleasure settling into a dull tingle across your body, you finally managed to get a full breath into your lungs. As you did, Sam slowly tapered his pace to a stop, moving away from you to catch his own breath.

You released your hold on his hair, an apologetic look crossing your face for the strength in which you were holding it. He seemed unbothered at the action, eyes still closed in bliss as he ghosted kisses over your thighs. You let your hand fall to his cheek, appreciating him as he showed you the act of kindness. “Shower?” You asked, voice still airy from the intoxication of the orgasm. He let out a hum, too enthralled in you to care about a verbal answer. You managed a small giggle at his enamouring expression, but ultimately had to put a stop to his admiration. “We’ve wasted enough water, come on.” You said, ushering him to stand. He obliged, although not voluntarily. He helped you off the counter, pulling you into him for a moment as he placed a kiss on your head.

“You first,” he promoted, moving out of your way. You slid the glass door open, stepping under the droplets and immediately feeling the relaxing warmth. He followed suit, closing the door behind him. As you sat under the stream of water, he took the opportunity to have the moment of closeness he had been craving so badly. He wrapped his arms around you, hands settling on your lower stomach as he guided you into him. With your back against his chest and his hands on you, you felt unstoppable. The warm water alongside the memory of the orgasm only solidified the feeling. Sam made you feel like you were on top of the world, like nothing could ever hurt you. His love was like a cushion of protection, keeping you away from any harm as long as he was with you.

“I wish we could stay like this forever.” You said, leaning your head back to rest on him, too.

“We can, princess.” He reminded, the small seed of evil planting in your brain effortlessly. He would do whatever it took to keep you in his arms, and if it meant persuading, he was already thinking of a million reason as to why you should stay. “If that’s what you want, we can do that.”

“I know, and I do.” You said, but you didn’t have to finish the statement. He wasn’t ready to face any type of rejection, and you were not willing to dish it out. His hope, although blind by times, was the only thing giving him the will to keep going. “I love you.” You changed topics, hoping the blow would lessen by the sweet phrase. You wished you didn’t already have to use it as an apology, but being apologetic had been the only thing you knew how to do as of recent. You were always sorry for the pain you were inflicting, even if they knew that it was coming. You wondered why it was so common to hurt the ones you love the most, and if it was uncommon, why it was so simple for the three of you to do.

“I know, and I love you, too.” He leaned down, pressing his lips to your cheek. It was beautiful, how much he cared despite knowing how bad it hurt him. You turned your head to meet his mouth, the confession still hitting as hard as it did the first time. You could feel his erection against you; he was desperate for relief even if he was enjoying the sweetness of the moment. You pushed your hips back on him, also eager for the main event after such an emotional night. His grip tightened, enticed by the small movement. The kiss grew messy, both of you at a breaking point long before you ever got into the shower.

He spun you, pushing you against the wall with a new-found energy. Your upper half was flush with the cool tile, and he pulled your hips back to grant himself access to you. He lined himself up with your entrance, fingers digging into the skin of your hips as he pushed his own forward. You both let out a sigh of relief at the feeling, knowing that there were few things in the world that felt as good as it did. “God, you feel so fucking good.” He muttered, closing his eyes to focus only on the way you felt wrapped around him. The heat of the water only amplified every sensation, the steam filling your senses and your brains with the obscene energy that it had leeched from you both. You were feral for each other, uncaring of anything other than the sexual desire between you. The encounter was no longer a solidification of the vulnerability you had shared, but now a need that far outweighed any other that had previously existed.

Sam surpassed any normal person in terms of desire, and quickly manifested himself as one of the most important things to ever exist to you. The thought of being without him was excruciating, and the only thought worse than ones of death. “Harder, please.” You groaned, hands supporting yourself on the wall as he fucked into you. He obliged to the request with little hesitation, pulling you back on him as he thrusted forward. He snaked one hand to your hair, knotting it in his fist and pulling your head away from the wall. He leaned forward, letting his lips rest on your ear as he placed a small kiss to it.

“Does that feel good, princess?” He crooned, voice low and settling straight into your soul. You let out a moan, unable to verbally express the pleasure he was giving you. His grip in your hair tightened, snapping you back to reality for a moment.

“F-feels so good, Sammy.” You muttered, feeling another groan tear through your chest. He hummed against your ear, letting his teeth sink into your earlobe to show his enjoyment of the sounds you were making for him.

“Just want to make you feel good, baby.” His tone was husky, coated with lust and showcasing his desire. He turned your head to the side, just enough so he could capture you in a kiss. He continued moving his hips, never slowing his pace. You let a moan slip into his mouth, driving him further into the cloud of euphoria that was slowly engulfing him. He slipped his hand from your hip, wrapping it around you and settling his fingers between your legs. He began tracing slow circles on your already sensitive clit, making the feeling of every movement even more powerful. You pushed your hips back on him, not ashamed to show him your need for him. A growl came from deep in his chest as he parted from you, the small movement sending him into a frenzy.

He dropped his hand from your hair and used it to hold your hips in place as he began his frenzied attempt to drive you to an orgasm. He didn’t need to try very hard; the knot in your stomach was tightening with every second that passed. “Fuck,” you whined, the fire consuming every nerve in your body.

“Come on, sweet girl.” He encouraged. “Cum for me, baby.” His words hit you hard, the impact nearly stealing the air from your lungs and making your legs grow limp. His hands were holding you steady, making sure you were secure so you didn’t have to worry about anything but your pleasure. You let out another moan, desperation evident in the sound. He continued his relentless effort, moving his fingers faster and with more precision.

“Sam,” you breathed, feeling the pressure reach a peak. Your body tensed as your breath caught in your throat. You tried repeating his name, but it was a useless endeavour. No coherent thoughts were forming, and the only thing coming from your mouth was a slur of curses and moans. Your legs were shaking, weak as they struggled to hold your weight and your heart was erratic against your rib cage.

“That’s it, beautiful.” He coaxed you through, slowly tapering his pace. When your body relaxed and you gained strength to keep yourself upright, he slowed to a stop. “How was that?”

“S-so good,” you stuttered, heaving a heavy breath. He let out a chuckle, amused by your disarray as he pulled out of you. You managed a small groan of discontent at the loss of the feeling, but he ignored you. He gently spun you around so you were facing him, leaning in for a kiss. The gentle action was greatly appreciated; your body was still recovering from the excitement of the moment. His hands planted on your hips once more, but this time he lifted you. Instinctively, you wrapped your legs around him as your hands snaked around his neck. He pressed your back against the tile, the cold surface a shock, but you were too tired to care. He pressed his lips to yours once more as he lined himself up once again. When he was certain his grip on you was secure enough, he pulled you down on him. You lacked any self control, the feeling euphoric and the sound that came out of you matched the sensation.

“How’s that, Princess?” He hummed, resting his forehead on your own for a heightened sense of intimacy. “Is that better?”

“Mhm,” you nodded against him, tangling your fingers in his hair. You wanted to be as close to him as possible, but the barrier of your bodies was prohibiting what you needed to satisfy the desire. You felt like his being was too powerful; it was consuming you and leaving behind a shell of what you once were. Sometimes, especially in moments like the one you were sharing with him then, it felt like your sole purpose was to love Sam, or to be loved by him, but truth behind the thought was almost too much to bear. There was a part of you devoted to Sam, wanting nothing but to love him for the rest of time, but there was another part that felt the same about Jake. It was horrendous knowing that you could never love one fully without loving the other.

“Give me one more, baby.” He pleaded, fingers bruising the skin as he continued to pull your hips down on him. The request was simple to fulfill, and you knew that it would not take much for him to get what he wanted.

“If you cum with me,” you placed down your own term before an agreement.

“That’s what you want?” He questioned, trying to make it seem like your words did not bother him. In truth, he was struggling to hold himself back and your statement had only driven him closer to the edge.

“God, yes. Please, baby.” You whined, knowing that the longer he was inside you, the closer you were being pushed to insanity. He let out a low sigh, sent into a downward spiral at the sound of your desperation. He hoped he could hold off for long enough to make you cum, and you were hoping to hold off for long enough to please him. You were both hoping for something that meant nothing; the pleasure that was upon you both was too good to refute, and a climax was easier to attain than anything else.

Your mind was abuzz with the love you had for him, the intensity growing with the steady movement of his thrusts. You were delirious, body exhausted from the continuous pleasure and muscles aching from the strain. The water soothed only enough to keep you going, but Sam’s hands were what made you feel best. “I love you,” he whispered. You felt your stomach burn with desire as he voiced the same thought that had been so pressing all night. You knew you could never get sick of him saying it, and you knew you could listen to him say those three words and survive solely off the feeling it provided.

“I love you, Sam.” You groaned, the climax threatening to take hold. “I love you so much.” He pulled you down harder, his cock slamming against your cervix in a pleasurable type of pain. You let out a cry, the sudden sensation immediately sending you into a third orgasm. You were lost in euphoria, barely existing within the same realm anymore. You clenched around him, singing his name as if it was a hymn and he was the god you were praying to. From the sight of your descent alone, it send him over the edge with no mercy. He held you down on him, uttering curses as he spilled his release into you. By the time you both came down, you were breathless and seeing stars. You held each other close in hopes that you could make the moment last forever, but you knew that nothing this fantastic could ever last. The harrowing reality was just around the corner, and you had to understand that this was the last night you could spend with Sam before you had to make the final decision.

He loosened his grip on you, carefully letting you down to your feet and holding you steady in fear your legs might give out. You leaned into his chest, craving comfort after the chaos. You wanted for everything to be over, for the pain to stop and for the happy to last, but you knew that the hurt was only beginning and bound to stay for a while. You listened to his heartbeat as it slowed in his chest, soothed immediately by your touch. “Here,” he said, shifting so you could be fully under the stream of warm water. You let out a hum of satisfaction, the heat soothing any ache that was lingering. He looked around, grabbing a bottle of shampoo while you enjoyed the water. He lathered some in his hands and ushered you back towards him. You rested your back on his chest once more while he brought his hands to your hair, gently rubbing the shampoo into the roots.

You could have fallen asleep in his arms with how relaxing the feeling was. He was gentle, using great caution in fear he might pull on the strands the wrong way. When he was satisfied with his work, he helped you rinse the soap from your hair. He repeated his actions with the conditioner you had sitting on a shelf and held you until you found the energy to wash the rest of your body. He washed his own hair while you scrubbed away the filth of the sins you had partaken in, but the feeling of Sam could never really be washed away. You both finished the normal shower routine and sat in each others company for a moment before turning off the faucet.

When you got out, Sam found a towel on the rack by the sink. He wrapped you in one before worrying about himself, fearful that the temperature change might disturb you. With a small smile on your lips and love in your heart, you both returned to the bedroom with intent to sleep. “I’d like to stay, if that’s okay. If not, I understand.”

“Of course you can, Sammy.” You said, dropping your towel to the floor as you climbed in bed. “I can worry about everything else in the morning, but for now, I want you here with me.” He couldn’t hide the blinding smile he adorned at the sound of your statement. He climbed into bed, pulling you into his arms in one swift motion. You let out a giggle at his enthusiasm, but you knew that you were feeling the same way just from the thought of sleeping by his side.

“I don’t care who you pick, y/n.” He started, letting his fingers trace shapes into the soft skin of your back. “I hope it’s me, but I just want you to be happy. No matter what happens, I’m thankful that I got the chance to love you, even if it’s only for a little while.”

“I’m grateful for that, too.” You agreed, feeling his words settle into your chest and begin to make your heart ache. You closed your eyes, but your mind was far from asleep. You were dreading the morning because it signified separation and moving on, two things that you were far from ready to do. Even if it was the right choice, it did not mean it hurt any less. Same eyes were closed too, thinking about the same things that were disturbing you. Neither of you spoke about them, and neither of you seemed to curb the fear of loss.

It seemed like such a shame for so much love to be shared between the three of you, especially knowing that the end would be nothing but painful. It was a shame that your first experience with love would ultimately burn you and everyone caught in the crossfire. But, it seemed as though your biggest fear of all was not to love or to hurt, but rather the fear of never wanting to love again after the storm settled. For your entire life, you were horrified of vulnerability, and intimacy was the enemy. Now that you experienced it both so beautifully and profoundly, you were most afraid of never feeling it again. You were terrified of being the Gold Dust Woman from the story, rather than the one Jake viewed you as. Beautiful but empty, cold and distant, and always searching for a thrill, yet forever too scared to take the leap. You hoped that you could remain the person Jake had viewed you has when he gave the nickname, but you knew it was not the case. There was only one way to be a Gold Dust Woman, and it was not in any way he chose to perceive you. You had become all that you swore not to be, and there was no escape from it.

Love was no longer the cause of your downfall; in fact, it never really was. It had always been yourself, even if you chose to remain blind to the harsh reality. The problem found home within you, and this time, you had no one else left to blame.

Did she shatter your illusions of love?

Come on, did you really think I’d let Sam go down without a fight? ;)

TAGLIST: @itsdannysworld @gretavansara @jaketlove @laneygvf @freefallthoughts @psychedelicsprinkles @idontwannabeherenow @joshysgirl @sanguinebats @objectsinspvce @klarxtr @sinarainbows @jakesmustache @gvfpal @hellowgoodbye

[rafeysbafey]

bro i love your work so much. i just be sitting down and reading it for hours, i really hope you’re aware of how fucking awesome you are. you’re so talented and ive never read a single bad piece from you.

i hope you’re having a great tuesday and just know that i do in fact stalk your page at least once a day LOL thank you for blessing us with your stories.

keep your head up legend <3 (p.s. are requests open? might have to indulge 🧌)

im just seeing this now oh m gee im so sorry (I forget i have an inbox)

besides that, THAANK YOU HEH im blushing kicking my feet and giggling you’re so kind and sweet ugh (my ego is def inflated and there’s no sign of stopping)

also my requests are open!! im literally on and off with writing because i just lose motivation one day and then the next im pumping out so many fics everyone is like ,, stawph :|

again thank you so much im just so eepy :3

[yourdeepestfathoms]

(Everyone loves the insta of Aimee spilling glitter over her dressing table and just throwing it everywhere. It made me think about tour bessie doing the same thing and somehow that turned into some fluff....)

*

She hadn’t planned to be at the theatre early- she liked to make the most of her time and sometimes that meant cutting things close- and when she saw the mess of glitter, all over the carpet, all over the dressing table, she very nearly walked right back out again. She didn’t need to deal with this, especially not right before a show.

Then she saw the girl standing frozen in the middle of it all, still holding the lid of the (now empty) container, and sighed. So much for that plan…

‘Oh wow- it’s really all over…’

She smiled as she said it- what sort of smalltalk was appropriate for this sort of situation? She wasn’t sure, and it didn’t help that she’d barely even spoken to the band yet. Come to that, she was still getting comfortable with the other queens and she LIVED with them.

‘I hope the audience likes us sparkly tonight!’

The girl didn’t respond to her observations (which one was she? Maggie or Bessie?) and she had been planning on shrugging it off and going to find the coffee machine before anyone could suggest she help clean it up (not that she had a problem with helping out per se but glitter? Surely beyond a favour) when a stifled whimper made her actually look at the girl rather than at the carpet.

‘I’m sorry-’

God, she was young. Kitty wondered how old she must be- surely they weren’t employing children were they? (Were they?) She looked about twelve- and the way she shrank back into herself, as if she wanted to sink into the floor, didn’t help either.

‘I’m sorry, I- I was trying to tidy up and it- it-’

She looked so afraid- Kitty wondered for a moment if something else had happened (had she missed something, after being distracted bh the glitter explosion?)- and then realised that it was her: that the girl was actually cringing in fear at her reaction. What exactly did she think Kitty was going to do to her- and then she realised she actually would probably rather not know. The poor little thing looked like she was actually welling up- what had happened to her?

‘It’s ok.’

‘I just wanted to- and it slipped and-I’m sorry-’

‘Hey.’ She took a step forward, holding out her hand in what she hoped was a not-cross manner. ‘It’s ok really. I promise.’

It was as if the girl hadn’t heard her.

  ‘I’ll fix it, I promise I’ll- I promise, I didn’t mean to-’

‘It really alright.’ Kitty made her voice as soft as she could, and gently touched the girls arm. She was trembling, and she flinched for a second at the touch, as if she expected a blow.

‘I-’

‘It’s just glitter. You don’t need to get upset- it will clean up easily, no one will mind.’ It was only half a lie.

‘They will.’ The girl shook her head, and twisted her hands anxiously. ‘They will- and Lady Catalina- she- she’ll-’

A tear slid down her cheek and she scrubbed it roughly away.

Kitty felt a bit wrong footed for a second- was the girl really this upset about a bit of mess?- and then she recalled something from a rehearsal: Catalina making some barbed remark, Jane gently remonstrating with her for the harshness of the comment, and Cathy warning Anne and Kitty, in an undertone, not to get involved. Apparently Catalina had some sort of history with one of ladies in the band- Cathy hadn’t said exactly what, but she’d vaguely mentioned a betrayal of some sort.

Kitty hadn’t paid it much attention at the time- she figured they’d all settle down and let the little feuds from the past die out once they all got more used to their new situation- but now, she wished she’d asked questions. The girl trembling in front of her didn’t look up to betraying anyone. It explained her panic though- obviously she was afraid of making things worse.

‘It’s ok- it’s still early…I can help you clean it up’ She thought she could remember where the cleaning cupboard was. For a moment, she thought about saying they could ask one of the theatre staff to handle it after the show but dismissed it- she found she really didn’t want to leave the poor girl anxious and upset for a moment longer than she had to. ‘It won’t take long- and no one else need ever know, ok?’

The girl managed a faint smile and Kitty smiled back.

‘Cool. What’s your name again, by the way? Sorry to forget, just….everything’ She gestured vaguely ‘It’s a lot, you know’

The girl nodded, like she understood. ‘It’s alright. I’m Elizabeth. Bessie. I play bass. In the band.’

‘Oh yes- now I remember- I’m Katherine Howard. Most people called me Kitty though-’ (She had wondered about whether she wanted to revive her old nickname and eventually decided it was inevitable, what with two other Catherine’s. Why fight it?)

She had been about to suggest they go and find the hoover (if there even was one) when footsteps sounded outside and the door opened.

She heard Bessie give a tiny, frightened intake of breath beside her, at the same time that Aragon gasped too, upon seeing the glitter.

‘What on earth-?’

‘I- I-’

She sounded annoyed, and Kitty didn’t even have to think about it before she jumped in: the crack in Bessie’s voice was heartbreaking

‘I know right? Sorry Catalina- I think I must’ve put the lid on wrong or something-’

‘It’s everywhere! We’ll never be able to get it out!’

Catalina was working herself up into a proper temper and Kitty could feel Bessie radiating anxiety beside her… but she herself wasn’t at all afraid. She’d seen-and survived- too much to be scared of what was essentially harmless bad temper and so she was able to shrug.

‘Sorry, Catalina- I’ll clean it up, I promise. Just don’t walk in it and you should be ok.’ She shot a quick smile to the girl next to her, and tried to make it reassuring. ‘Bessie was sweet enough to offer to help so we should have it done in no time-’

Catalina huffed but she seemed somewhat mollified. She didn’t so much as glance at her former Lady in Waiting though, and Kitty thought that was probably for the best- Bessie seemed on edge enough as it was.

She grabbed the girls hand-‘We should go find the cleaning stuff- warn the others if you see them so they don’t walk in it!’- and pulled her out of the dressing room and down the hall.

Once they’d rounded the corner, she stopped, suddenly wondering if she’d overstepped her boundaries.

‘Sorry- I hope you didn’t mind that I interrupted you-’

When she looked at her, Bessie was biting her lip, her eyes filled with tears.

‘N- no-’

It was so sad, Kitty reflected, that the poor girl had to be in a position to be so frightened over something so small, and she couldn’t help herself- she reached out and pulled the girl gently towards her, wrapping her arms around her in a hug.

‘Good. I’m glad you don’t mind.’

‘You didn't have to-’ Her voice was a bit muffled from being buried in Kitty’s shirt, but she doesn’t seem inclined to move back. ‘You didn’t have to say it was you-’

‘I know’ Kitty shrugged and started to rub slow circles against the girls shoulders. ‘I know I didn’t have to but I don’t mind. You seemed… a bit worried…’

The girl nodded quickly but didn’t speak and Kitty decided not to probe. Bessie didn’t need to be fielding questions right then and there. She seemed to be calming down a bit though- she wasn’t shaking anymore at least- and Kitty felt a little glow of pride. It felt good to help someone, it felt good to be able to help someone in the way that no one had ever bothered to help her.

‘You know- Saying it felt awkward but she needed to, she decided. ‘If there’s ever… if anything like that happens again… or if you need anything….you should come to me, ok? If you want to.’ She paused. ‘I’d like to be able to help you. If i can.’

When the girl didn’t respond, Kitty wondered if she’d overstepped herself but then she felt her burrow into her more closely, clinging more tightly- as if desperate for this pathetic little bit of kindness- and she relaxed. She’d made the right call.

(They never did get all of the glitter out of the carpet.)

[foreverdolly]

baby love | dom!austin butler x shy!reader 

requested by a sweet nonnie. i made it extra filthy for you.

summary: you've gained some “relationship” weight since you and austin first started dating, and you find yourself growing more and more self conscious as time goes on. austin takes his time letting you know just how beautiful he finds you.

pairings: austin butler x reader

word count: 3,678

warnings/notes: austin is a dom and absolutely worships you, established relationship, rough sex, hair pulling, unprotected sex, creampie, dirty talk, overstimulation, it's cute though i swear. also wanted to quickly let you all know that you are beautiful no matter what size you are. so this goes out to my curvy/skinny-chubby babes. as someone that has been recovering from an ED for four years, my inbox is always open. it was extremely hard to watch my body change as i got healthy, so this one really hit home for me while writing it. much love.

masterlist | requests are currently open for business !

“I’m being serious, Austin.” You called out to him from the bathroom, tossing the bath towel onto the countertop so that you could get a better look at your figure. Whoever says that it was healthy for females to gain relationship weight when they feel happy and stable is an asshole. An absolute dick. Just six months ago you had been in the best shape of your life. You had been attending hot yoga three times a week and even started going to a personal trainer. You were positive that your taught body and trim waistline was one of the things that originally attracted Austin to you. You weren’t a celebrity. Far from it- you were just an artist who had been blessed enough to make it semi-big in California just a few years before the two of you met through mutual friends. 

Sure, you were talented and absolutely hilarious, but so were a hell of a lot of other girls that would jump at the chance to date your boyfriend. Any time you brought up diets or started messaging your old gym buddies, Austin was quick to dismiss it. “You don’t need it.” or your personal favorite, “You’ve never been healthier, baby.” You grabbed at your stomach, grimacing as you realized just how much you must have gained. Twenty pounds? No. . . more like thirty or forty, if you were being honest with yourself. You had a scale somewhere in your shared apartment, but you were too scared to step on it. You dealt with body image issues all throughout high school, and you absolutely refused to go through anything similar again. 

“You’re gorgeous, now come out here. I’m going to eat all the popcorn without you.” You grumbled under your breath as you shrugged on your thin white tank top and an oversized pair of his boxers, practically throwing the bathroom door open. He seemed taken aback by your sudden change in mood, noticing the way you were glaring so opening at him. “You go ahead and do that. I obviously don’t need anything else to eat today.” He gave you a once over, taking in your wet hair and sour disposition. Maybe he hadn’t thought that you were really this sad about it, because he was quick to deposit the large snack bowl onto the bedside table along with the remote control. He gave the spot beside him on the bed an eager pat, shooting you a small smile. You weren’t budging from your spot though. Seeing yourself in the mirror just a few seconds ago had shattered just about every bit of self confidence you had left. He let out a small sigh, leaning back against the headboard for a couple of seconds before leaning forward on the bed, moving his finger in a ‘come hither’ motion. You must have been an easy one to crack because you found yourself shuffling over to the bed. The second that you were close enough to him he pounced, dragging you onto the mattress with an ease that still shocked you. 

“Do you want me to die of heart failure from eating so much butter by myself? Cause’ I’ll do it. I’ll eat that entire bowl and then make sure to write you out of my will.” Your lips twitched upwards into a small smile for a second, Austin watching you with a wide grin as he waited for your mood to change. It always did whenever you were on this sort of subject. He’d do whatever he could to assure you that you were beautiful, and then find some way to cheer you up- only this time it wasn’t working. Your bottom lip began to quiver, your eyes filling with tears. “Oh. . . Oh, my poor baby.” He cooed, wrapping his arms around you tightly and pulling you into his lap. You moved your legs to straddle him, sniffling softly against his neck as you tried to keep the tears to a minimum. They just kept coming though. 

“I’m not pretty anymore. . . what if-” you swallowed back a loud sob, whimpering softly before you were finally able to get the rest of the words out. “W-What if you leave me?” Austin was peppering the side of your wet head with kisses. He hated seeing you upset in any way. It made his chest ache and his own anxiety act up. 

How had he not seen this before? How could he not tell how serious this was to you? He had always tried to brush it off with humor and measly compliments, but never took the time to really assure you that he wasn’t ever going anywhere. An immense guilt rushed over him, so sudden and heavy that his arms began to quiver as they squeezed you even tighter. “Angel,” He mumbled against your wet hair. “You’re the light of my life. I loved you when you were counting calories, and I love you now. . . but baby, you’re beautiful like this. I know it probably won’t mean anything coming from me, but I truly don’t think you’ve ever looked this healthy before.” You pulled back, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand before you motioned to your stomach exasperatedly. 

He let out a humorless smile, pulling up your shirt so that he could place one of his large, warm hands against your skin. “You’re soft, and cute, and way better to cuddle. I’m a skeleton, and I used to be able to feel our bones clattering together.” This made you laugh. Your shoulders shook with it, your adorable nose scrunching up in that delectable way that he loved so much. “When I look at you I see love. I see a potential family- I see forever. I don’t see anything undesirable in the slightest, alright? I promise you. Sometimes I’m scared that you’re going to leave me.” Your eyebrows furrowed as you tried to wrap your brain around where he could have gotten that crazy idea. 

“I drool when I sleep, we have to get all of my pants tailored because my legs are freakishly long, i’m lactose intolerant and you love cheese,” God, he knew you so well. “I smack my gum, I drive too fast and scare the shit out of you most of the time, and I jump and try to shield my eyes when you force me to watch horror movies.” Your jaw dropped and you couldn’t help but throw your arms up in the air in disbelief. 

“But I love all those things. You’re adorable.” Austin gave you a look, and you instantly felt like an idiot. 

“Oh. . .” You licked your lips, moving to pinch the bridge of your nose. “Oh.” Sure, you weren’t everybody's cup of tea, but neither was he. You happened to be his favorite flavor though. People instantly saw him as this glamorous celebrity and wanted to be with him, all without knowing what he was like behind doors. Austin always thought you were beautiful. Whether your hair was frizzy because of the weather, or you had a stress pimple on your forehead- he adored you. Absolutely and totally. Everybody’s weight fluctuates, and so what? 

His fingers began to lazily rub your hips through the cotton boxers, flashing you a lazy smile. “Yeah- ‘oh’ is right.” His voice had lowered an octave, his eyes suddenly locked on you and dripping with an unspoken suggestion. 

You were always in a state of awe whenever you were around him. He always went out of his way to shower you with romantic gestures. You loved him with a ferocity that often destroyed other adult’s lives. It frightened you sometimes. It was as though Austin had possessed you, body and soul. He had hollowed out a place for himself deep inside your chest and made a home there. 

You loved it especially when his blue eyes became lidded, his pale lashes catching the light like spun gold. It was often impossible to keep your hands off of him, so you never did. You didn’t fight those urges and neither did Austin. You two were constantly brushing against one another, even if it was just a chaste kiss or a quick brush of the hand- just like he was doing right now. He was taking his time with you, rubbing his thumb against your hips, slowly making his way upwards towards your chest. He loved your tits; told you all the time. Even as the months passed by, you could still see the excitement flash in his eyes whenever you were laid bare in front of him. Almost as though he couldn’t believe that you were real. That you were letting him touch you in such a debased way. He feasted upon your flesh hungrily whenever you let him, which was thankfully quite often. 

You knew what he wanted the second those lashes began to flutter down, his eyes practically pinning you down. You still found it hard to breathe when he looked at you like that. You were still seated on his lap, and ever so slowly you began putting more of your weight on him, feeling that he was already hard. Ever so slowly you lifted back up, eyes flickering down so that you could get a good look at him. He had deviously thrown on the gray pair of sweatpants that he knew that you loved so much. It was probably because you could see his cock so well through them, even beneath all of the layers. “This is all you.” He mumbled under his breath, tilting his head to the side slightly as he watched you. He was never satisfied as far as you were concerned. He wished, some days, that he could somehow be absorbed into you- to claw his way under your skin. He loved you so much that it was maddening. 

“Touch it,” His voice shook as he felt your dainty fingers brush up his thighs. “It’s yours.” You were tentative with your touches at first, almost hesitant. You felt better than you did ten minutes ago, but the self confidence issues were still there. You knew that you weren’t unattractive. You had a gorgeous face and a bright smile that lit up your eyes. Men still turned their heads to look at you when you walked down the street, and just yesterday a kid that must have still been in college tried to ask you for your number. That wasn’t the point though, because deep down there was a part of you that felt as though you weren’t worthy. Austin Butler was a Greek god of a man, and had a heart of gold. 

Even after the endless laughs, the long nights spent talking, and the days spent curled up in each other’s arms, you still felt like at any moment he might walk out the door. You knew it was just a little extra baby fat, but it didn’t stop you from overthinking. Austin noticed your hesitance. He saw the conflict brewing in your eyes, like heavy clouds gathering just before a storm. He freed one of his hands from their spot on your soft skin, taking your hand in his and pressing it against himself. “Only you,” He placed a wet kiss to the underside of your jaw. “Always you.” And you melted. How could you not? Because he was right. No one could make him laugh as hard as you could. No one knew him- all of him- quite like you did, and you were certain that they never would. Nobody had ever taken the time to truly understand who Austin was, inside and out. 

You were a balm to soothe the ache. You fulfilled him. Completed him. 

He pressed his lips against the side of your head, his hand moving from the underside of your rips to your back as you began to put more pressure against him. You continued rubbing him through his pants, your fingers feeling along each divot and ridge of his length. The blonde let you know just how much he appreciated your touch, his low moans vibrating in his chest. “This tank top is killing me.” He mumbled, pulling back so that he could look down at you. It was an old tank top that you refused to wear in public anymore. Over time it had worn down to the point of practically being threadbare. It hadn’t been your intention to get him worked up like this, but it was certainly a plus. 

He could see your entire chest through the white fabric. He ran his pointer finger over one of your nipples, smiling as he watched it reactively harden into a small peak.  He switched over to the other side, his blue eyes flickering up to meet your eyes. He knew that eye contact during times like this did something to you. He’d be carrying out the dirtiest, most lewd acts, all while his lips are upturned into a smug little smile; eyes bright blue and boring into yours. You let out a small gasp, and that smile of his widened into a grin. “You’re the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.” You moved your hand away from his front, instead opting to work him up by pressing your core against him. You slowly began rocking your hips back and forth, careful not to put too much pressure. 

You could be quite the tease when you wanted to be. Right now you wanted to work him up into a damn near frenzy. He’d be rougher with you that way. 

“Yeah?” You questioned breathlessly, and his eyes did that thing. You watched in real time as his pupils began to dilate. “Yeah.” He agreed, nodding his head as he cupped your breasts in his large hand. He gave it a squeeze, rolling your pebbled nipple between his fingers tightly, nearly to the point of pain. Your hips jerked forward as you let out a hiss. His eyes widened at the added pressure to the friction, a breathy groan escaping his lips. “You wanna know something?” His tongue darted out to lick his dry lips, gathering up the fabric of your tank top so that he could finally feel your bare skin. “You may think that you look big, but look at how tiny you are compared to me. Hmm?” His hand slid up from your sternum to your throat, your breath getting caught there. He was over six feet tall, and his hand was the size of your head. No matter how big you might have gotten, the man was a giant compared to your stature. He added pressure to his thumb, feeling your pulse as he cut off a bit of the blood flow. Your eyes flickered open, needing to see his face as he moved his free hand down to your hip, grinding your own hips against him now. You didn’t stop him. You couldn’t tease him anymore. You’d take anything he gave you. 

His eyes were practically rolling back in his head at the mere look on your face. “Keep looking at me with those big eyes like that and I might cum just from this.” The friction felt good, his length sliding along your core, stimulating you- but it wasn’t enough. You needed more. “Please.” You choked out, starting to get light headed. He tightened his hold on your throat to the point that you were beginning to see stars. He continued dragging your hips back and forth against him, moving his own hips languidly. “You’re such a greedy little thing, huh?” You were, you were, you were. Your lips parted, your head starting to tilt back so that you could stare at the ceiling. You needed something to look at that wasn’t him- because sometimes his gaze got to be too much. When he looked at you like that- like you were the only thing in the world that mattered- you came undone too quickly. “Do you feel how beautiful I think you are?” You did. He was as hard as stone beneath you. The second you nodded he had you pushed down, your back against the mattress and the side of your face pressed against your white duvet. His hand slowly moved up higher on your throat until his fingers pressed against your lips, pulling the soft skin down until they could slip into the warmth of your mouth. You accepted them gladly, your tongue gently lapping against the saltiness of his skin. 

Ever so slowly he removed his hand from your throat, and you took deep gulps of air, your limbs already trembling, your core wet and aching for him. 

He was going to fuck you now. He couldn’t wait any longer. He slipped his shirt off in a second flat, tossing it down on the ground next to the bed somewhere. His pants came off next, and you followed suit, kicking the boxers off as fast as you could. You were a shaky, needy mess. You weren’t quite sure how he always managed to work you up like this, but he did. You started to take off your tank top as well, but he stopped you. “Leave it.” And so you did. Austin slipped into you like he was possessed, giving you absolutely no time to adjust. You cried out, squeezing your eyes tightly shut as he began fucking into you, starting at a near brutal pace. He used one hand to support himself against the bed, and the other went straight to the tank top, gathering it up his fist before pulling it upwards, keeping his hand firmly planted against your sternum. He watched your tits bounce as he fucked you, sucking in deep breaths as he listened to your whimpers and cries. 

You loved being able to look at him like this. His expressions were art. He’d suck his bottom lip into his mouth, his jaw clenching and unclenching as he watched you intently. His eyes were all over you. Your face, your tits, and then down to where the two of you connected. He had an odd fascination with watching himself fuck you. He loved it. Thought it was fucking adorable. 

It felt good- so good like this- but you wanted more. You wanted to feel him deeper. “B-Behind.” You could barely speak. You found it hard to form words, but he understood. He nodded, panting hard as he pulled out of you. You started to sit up, but he grabbed your hips like you weighed nothing, flipping you over into your stomach. Your ass was in the air in a second, him using his knees to nudge your legs apart so that he could fit himself between them. “You’re the one that got me this worked up,” His voice was low, almost guttural as he spoke to you. He slipped inside of you a little slower this time, speaking through clenched teeth. “So you’re going to be a good girl and take it.” 

And you could feel every inch of him. 

Every. Single. Inch. 

He fucked you at the same relentless pace. He was hitting all of the right places from this angle, his hips slapping against your ass. You couldn’t help but scream into the blanket, the sound coming out muffled. He must not have liked that, because he gripped you by the hair, wrapping it around his wrist and yanking your head up. “I want to hear.” And so you let him hear. 

You almost couldn’t take it- he was practically attacking you at this point, his hips snapping forward, his moans loud and unabashed as he watched your skin slapping against his. He gave your hair another yank, pain tearing through your scalp but it felt good. Your walls clamped down around him, causing him to let out a low cry of his own. His free hand moved from your hip to slide along your stomach, searching for your core. “Don’t. Don’t.” You tried to shake your head, knowing that any extra stimulation would be too much, but of course he did it anyway. 

Austin thought you looked pretty all the time, but you were the most irresistible when you were squirming beneath him. 

His fingers pressed against your clit, rubbing you in tight circles. After months of nonstop exploration, he knew exactly how to touch you. He knew just how to work you up, and so he did. You couldn’t keep yourself from cumming. Couldn’t stop it. 

“God damn, baby.” He groaned from above you, his hips snapping into your fluttering core. You were crying now, and you weren’t sure if it was because your hair was being pulled or if the pleasure was just too much. It was probably both. 

Austin rode your quivering form through your orgasm, working you to the point of overstimulation. You were no longer just fluttering around him but damn near spasming, and that was when he couldn’t hold his own release off anymore. He released your hair, his large hand pressing your face into the blankets as he pumped into you. “Fuck.” He spat out, panting hard as he filled you to the brim. Only after he was sure that he had fucked every last drop into you did he slowly pull out. 

He was instantly pulling you against him. He pet your hair as he began to kiss every inch of your face. “You did so good, baby.” He cooed, nuzzling his nose into your now partially dry hair. He breathed you in, eyes fluttering shut as he enjoyed the after-sex bliss. “I love you so much.” You knew that he did. You could feel the love radiating off of him and into you. It was such a warm feeling. “My beautiful baby.” 

The two of you spent the rest of the night curled up in bed, watching shitty Kung-Fu movies and laughing your asses off at the criminally bad special effects. 

Oh- and you two split the popcorn. With extra butter and salt. Just the way the two of you liked it. 

[pleasantanathema]

Pleasant’s Writer Recs!

I’ve gotten a few asks in my inbox over the past few weeks asking me for writer recs, so I thought the best way to do this was to compile a list of my fav authors on tumblr and rec my favorite fic of theirs! A lot of these amazing authors are moots—I’m very lucky to call many of them close friends. This list could be much longer, and I could go on for days about every single author, but I’ll try to keep it brief. Most all of these authors, like myself, write 18+ only content. Hopefully this can be a useful tool for authors and readers alike looking for amazing fanfic 💕

@bakatenshii | Angel is so phenomenal with her writing that I almost can’t put her style and amazing ability into words (but I’ll try). Angel’s work is beautiful, masterful, full of poetry, elegance, and smut that will all leave you gasping. Fav Fic: Blitz [Ushijima x Reader]

@blahkugo | Sunnt, Thunnth, Sunny, whatever you call her, she is brilliant. No one writes Tsukishima quite like she does. She is beyond creative and her writing style flows like the sexiest water, it’ll make you thirsty and quench your aches. Fav Fic: Tower [Tsukishima x Reader]

@deathcab4daddy | Tay is all about details, details, details. She fills in every gap and paints gorgeous, sexy pictures and situations for the reader to feel immersed in. Fav Fic: Cerulean Blue [Akaashi x Reader]

@dymphnasprose | Dymphna is all about fun, sex, and slowly filling out her holy bible of smut. She’s amazing at creating realistic sub/dom relationships and her smut almost always comes with a healthy dose of build-up. Fav Fic: Green Scrunchies [Ukai x Reader]

@enjifuckersupreme | Ketsl reigns supreme over pure, unadulterated porn. They are phenomenal at making me the reader wet, and every fic is crafted with so much care. Enji fuckers should bow down at their feet, no one loves and writes Enji like Ketsl. Fav Fic: Attitude Adjustment [Enji x Reader]

@hisoknen | Raph is one of the first dark blogs I ever started reading, and she never, ever disappoints. She writes pieces that chill you to the bone, but warms your sex- her writing is casual, smooth, and realistic, always giving you everything you need, but leaving you wanting a little more. Fav Fic: Sleeping Beauty [Dabi x Reader]

@hoe-doroki | Ana is one of the sweetest writers I know. Every time I talk to her, she’s working on comfort requests or beta-reading for other people. Her writing is such a pleasure to read, as you can tell she pours love and consideration into every fic for her readers. Fav Fic: Can’t Find My Breath [Bakugou x Reader]

@joyousandverywarlike | Zo...holy fucking shit. Zo is a writer who consistently blows me out of the water with her skill. This woman is a novelist blessing us with juicy, rich smut and love stories like no one else can. She is incredibly poetic and her writing is an absolute joy to read; she also writes amazing fics for black readers and has an amazing voice that she uses for asmr audios! Fav Fic: How We Met [Ushijima x Reader]

@lemonlordleah-shinzawa-kitten | Leah is an author who takes immense care with her work. She works incredibly hard to craft sexy, healthy bdsm fics for bnha. She is a great blog to go to for bdsm education, and she’s also got a side blog @lemonlordleah-extra-sour for all you extra naughty readers who like the darker side of fanfic. You should also check out her Patreon! Fav Fic: Between the Evergreen [Aizawa x Reader]

@linestrider | Nyki’s work is like smooth water, it’s calming, refreshing, but she also adds a nice, chill bite to it as well with her darker style. Nyki puts such an impressive amount of care into her work; a word is never out of place, every sentence has meaning, every paragraph gives you something new. It was very hard to choose just one fic to recommend. Fav Fic: What’s Said is Said [Hawks x Reader]

@lookslikeleese | Leese is one of the most fun writers on Tumblr, and by that I mean you just have a shitload of fun reading her fics. They are like little, sexy treats to take in right before bed and feel a little more full than you were before. She is also the Cucking Queen. Fav Fic: Cola [Enji x Reader] 

@messwriting | Lee is also another fun writer! Her writing is exhilarating to read, and you’d never guess she’s a sexy Brazilian whose second language is English based on how well she writes. She’s a little sex goddess who will give you everything you want and more in every fic. Fav Fic: What We Could’ve Been [Tsukishima x Reader]

@mindninjax | Marquie is a full on sweetie with a sexy side. She. Is. So. Creative. Every fic of hers is so unique and her masterlist is a whole reading experience. She writes Bakugou Katsuki so damn well, she’s a master at characterization, even in au’s. She also writes beautiful fics for black readers. Fav Fic: Bound to You [Bakugou x Reader]

@nekokoafanfictions | I first found Ai on Ao3, and then was fortunate enough to come across their blog here on Tumblr! I’ve said this before in previous rec lists, and I’ll say it again, I still read their fics some nights to fall asleep to, they are just that good, every fic will have you coming back at some point to read it again. Fav Fic: City Lights [Enji x Reader]

@present-mel | The. Queen. Of. Dialogue. Mel is a master at making her fanfic feel real, gritty, sexy, and beautiful all at the same time. This woman pours her heart and soul into fanfic, especially into her Erwin series Fragments of Memories. I was so captivated by her work that I just had to become her friend, her work is enchanting and thrilling. Fav Fic: Until the Fire Played [Enji x Reader]

@rat-suki | Annie makes me horny. Like, real horny. Her smut is fantastic and are often little thrill rides within themselves. Fuck rollercoasters, just go to Annie’s masterlist to find a joy ride. Fav Fic: Hell Fire [Enji x Reader]

@rivendell101 | I’m such a big fan of Alisha, that I sent her a request months ago before we even became friends. This author knows how to craft a story, her work is very meticulous with details and her plots are always so spot on. Fav Fic: Sweet Thing [Natsuo x Reader]

@smutbardpeach | Smutbard is the most accurate title for Peach, as her fics read like poetry and song, filled with beautiful language, imagery, and allusions to the brim. If you’re ever looking for something romantic, sensual, delightful, and just overall magnificent to read, this is the blog to go to. Peach’s work is like reading poetry and classics right off the shelf. Fav Fic: Truth in Wine [Hizashi x Reader]

@spicyness | Are you thirsty? Do you like fun, sexy headcanons? Ness is the author for you. Ness is so, so fun and sweet, and is active with her followers and is always posting something new and creative for us to nibble at. Her blog is full of fun thirsts and she’s always a joy to see pop-up on my dash. Fav Fic: Pride [Bakugou x Reader]

@sugardaddykenma | Lin has the most amazing brain. I wish I could just...see and understand how she thinks. Her blog is full to the brim with hilarious, iconic, and down right fucking true headcanons for haikyuu characters. Many nights I have stayed up laughing my ass off and saying “why is that so true?” while reading through her astonishingly creative work. Fav Fic: Haikyuu on Drugs

@thewheezingwyvern | Wyv is a writer who gets straight to the point; her words are poignant, meaningful, and always paint a very clear picture. She is a Shinsou and Aizawa lover/fucker all the way to her core, and she’s amazing at bringing those characters to life in her work. Fav Fic: Salt Lines [Aizawa & Shinsou x Reader]

@thisisthehardestthing | Claudia is one of the most talented writers I have ever met. Period. She has a vocabulary, a depth, an ability to craft the most intense, alluring, and magnificent fanfic you’ve ever read. Most of her work doesn’t even seem like fanfic, it reads like love letters stuffed into the pages of a book that stand the test of time with her marvelous writing abilities. She always awes me, as every single fic is unique and powerful it its own way. Fav Fic: Tocka [Tanaka x Reader]

@tomurasprincess | The Queen of Darkness herself, Mari is amazing at fulfilling all of your dark desires. I’ve never met anyone else who is as active as she is with her followers, as she’s constantly pushing herself to answer requests and give people exactly what they want to see. She has such an expansive masterlist, any dark fic lover can find something worthwhile from her! She’s almost made a Shigaraki fucker out of me, almost. Fav Fic: Wraith’s Touch [Shigaraki x Reader]

@undermattsun | Miki taught me what a skate rat is. Do I understand it yet? Not really, but I fucking like it. Miki is so much fun and is always active with her followers, giving out awesome thirsts, visuals, and headcanons for her fav haikyuu characters. Fav Fic: Flavor of the Month [Matsukawa x Reader]

@vixen-scribbles | Vixen is someone who cares about everyone around her, and her blog reflects that. Amongst all her amazing writing, you’ll always find her recommending her friends and supporting other writers. Her writing is fucking sexy, she knows her way around the bedroom when it comes to fics, and she’s got a lengthy masterlist to fawn over. Fav Fic: Take All of Me [Ushijima x Reader]

@whats-her-quirk | Truly, the best has been saved for last. June’s work is the heart and soul of classic, fucking amazing fanfic. I can’t even explain how much I love her fics, like they will put the biggest smile on your face and have your thighs rubbing together in anticipation. June is writing her fantasies and having fun, and we are privileged to enjoy the ride with her. She knocked kinktober out of the fucking park, with each fic being a new, fresh delight. Fav Fic: Once in a Blue Moon [Karasuno x Reader Gangbang]

This list could honestly be twice as long, and perhaps in the future I’ll make a companion to it as I meet new authors and read more amazing fanfic. Please give all these authors a follow or at least check out their blogs. 💖

[soulrph]

For OCs, like when is is mandatory to like everyones OC? Some people have very stupid character backgrounds or it's literally just themself in cartoon form. The worst being a child of their favorite ship. I mean all to them for doing what makes them happy, but that doesn't mean we have to like it. Not everyone is creative or talented to make a good OC. Its like the saying: everyone can make art but not everyone can be an artist. Anyone can create a character, but not all of them are going to be good. Suck it up, don't get offended when you get criticism and keep practicing. Whether you asked for criticism or not is irrelevant, if you put something you made out for the public to see that's what you're going to get. If you don't like it go hide in a hole.

nonnie, i was going to delete this, but i want to give the same level of respect to anyone who enters my inbox, so here we go. further messages of this sort will be deleted, though, because nobody has time for this, and i'd hate to waste any nonnie's time.

you can substitute the word "OC" for "canon character" throughout that entire rant you just placed in my inbox. i know this isn't intentional. i also know that's what makes it funnier still.

nobody is actually demanding that you like all oc's, though. in fact, if i recall correctly, the message conveyed is that OCs and canons are actually one and the same in terms of structure and delivery. the beauty of your response is not only that you failed to read the message, but also that you somehow designed an entirely false narrative to be angry about. it's like when you're constructing an argument in your head in the shower. nobody said that you had to love all OCs, but god bless you, you made a powerful argument to ensure that we understood that you wouldn't!

now. in response to other arguments that you made, again, arguments that were based in your own head and not actually contradicting anything in that psa, i simply won't entertain an argument. there are stupid canons also. canons that obey the very guidelines that you resent. but you mightn't be ready to have that conversation just yet, so we'll continue on!

because, my love, once again, nobody actually told you to love all OCs. this is a fact. the post only highlights that the boundary between original and canon characters is non-existent. this is a fact. the purpose of that post is to try and offer insight to misguided individuals who believe that OC creators have something to prove in the RPC in order to be a part of it. more to the point, to convey a message to those that think that the members of this community are somehow lesser than them, and demand that they somehow perform to a higher standard just to be worthy of one bigoted individual's acceptance.

this is a fact.

i'll conclude now because i have to go make a billion OCs to force you to love. kidding! (after all, haven't we already clarified that nobody asked you to love all ocs?)

but i will conclude now because i think we both know i won't be able to say anything to change your mind. it's fine. your anonymity tells me far more than your message did!

regardless of my tone, nonnie, i do hope you have a good day. go outside. touch some grass. look after yourself. maybe step away from the dash? reread that post, because unless i became hopelessly illiterate, it doesn't present any message that deserves this confused response.

anyway! take care! drink some water if you like! i'd hate to tell you what to do!

[phoebe-delia]

Hello, friend. Here is your daily reminder that you are an incredible and talented person. Remember to drink lots of water and have your favorite snack, because you are awesome and everyone needs to stay hydrated. Hydrate yourselves children. It is important. Also, remember to remind yourself that you deserve all good things in life. Because you do. Okay, goodbye now.

Anon, hello!

Thank you for blessing my inbox once again. You're absolutely lovely and I'm incredibly lucky and still surprised/honored that you've decided to keep sending these messages.

You'll be glad to know that I have a bottle of water right here next to me. I do need food, though, and I plan on rectifying that soon.

And anon, you also deserve all the good things.

💛💛💛

[radiowallet]

For the month of December I want to highlight some of the blogs that have made my time on the hellsite (affectionate) a truly wonderful and fulfilling experience! Some I have interacted with personally, while others I have lurked in the background like shadowy gremlin, but my love is there none the less. This is by no means a comprehensive list because there are so many amazing and wonderful people out there making days brighter with just their simple presence and kind hearts! To all of you, ALL OF YOU, Happy Holidays! I am so grateful for all of you!

Today I want to give a huge shout out to @djarinsbeskar​

I stumbled onto a story called Stitches back on a cold February day while my child made a huge pile of mulch at the playground. I was instantly intrigued as a huge fan of Din Djarin and as a healthcare worker, and after that first chapter I was hooked. That was way back when I was terrified to talk to anyone. I was afraid to comment or reblog, somehow convinced I was bothering authors when I did that. But then one day I couldn’t help myself and I left this huge rambling reblog for a chapter of Stitches because, and I can’t stress this enough, this fic is a masterpiece.

The lore, the world building, the deep, intimate understanding of one of my favorite characters. Rachel is a master of her craft and it needs to be screamed daily from the roof tops. The attention to detail, the care she takes in letting the physical and the emotional mirror one another throughout her stories. Honestly, I could go on and on about how much her whole masterlist has rocked my world; everything from Stitches to her Din AU’s to her most recent work with A Sensual Summoning. 

But then, after geeking out for months I had the opportunity to meet Rachel in a discord server, and I was truly blessed with the privilege of meeting one of the nicest people on this planet. Rachel is encouraging and kind, and is never one to shy away from giving advice or encouragement. (Seriously, she’s the one who talked me through writing smut, and I always attribute any strides I make in that area of writing to her wise words). Rachel! Thank you! For never letting me doubt myself, for always being as kind as you can, and for sharing your talent with us! Thank you Thank you Thank you!

I also want to give a shout out to a blog that up until recently I’ve only casually lurked and that is @krissology​

I was super lame and jumped on the Forget Me Not train after the fact. (I know, god, I suck). Kriss is a true talent. I downloaded FMN off AO3 and burned through it. Holy hell. Just amazing. And though anon isn’t my style, I have gone into Kriss’s inbox time and time again to lay praise at her feet beneath anon because I just..gah...I’m so in love with her and her style. Kriss, you are such an inspiration to me, someone who would one day love to see her stories become even more. You are a true talent and on top of that  you are so wonderfully funny and kind. I have seen you stand up for your friends and never once have I seen an unkind word come from you. I have been remiss in letting you know how much your blog has meant to me and for that I apologize.  Thank you for being a part of this fandom and thank you for being you. Happy Holidays. 

[alexiaugustin]

good morning mutuals and everyone else on tumblr who is cool and made my year! this is gonna be my mutuals appreciation post 2020 because if anything good happened this year then it's getting to know all of you guys so there's that. i love you all so so sooo much and always love to see y'all and your gif sets / memes / crack posts /rants / edits and so on and so forth on my dash. you made this year beautiful and i just wanna thank u for that!💘💘 (also im sorry if the picture above activates anyone's fight response i just thought that it would fit if i went back to where it all started)

@engelkeijsers mare my love i don't even have words to describe how much i love you and am happy to have you in my life. i consider you one of my closest friends by now and that's why i always message you whenever exciting shit happens in my life (or whenever shit goes down that ofc depends🤪). our phone calls were so fucking funny and i loved talking to you sooo much i can't wait to meet you in real life one day!!💖 please feel hugged you're such a beautiful human.

@dreamaur ann my beloved mutual i love you from the bottom of my heart and just wanna thank you for being the cute bitch that u are who always remembers our mutuals anniversary like....🥺🥺 i just love that we always watch and read and stan the same things like what kind of soulmutuals behavior is this?. can't wait for s&b to air so we can always freak out about kaz and inej and everyone else together. i'm kissing your cheek and wish you the absolute best for 2021 because u deserve the best😽

@sotorubio silja i love you and your blog so much you just have such a galaxy brain and you're so eloquent and your blog is one of the few that i check on regularly because i don't wanna miss a single post you make. here's a fun fact before i properly got to know you i thought that you were sooo intimating i don't even know why and then we started talking at some point and i was like "hold on a second they are SO lovely and warm actually and not intimating at all hdhdh" as you might have figured out by now i always love talking to you about skames or rant about 13rw and everything else. i just love u!!!🧡

@helmtaryn aurore you are probably the first person who ever started talking to me on here and so it all began and we always talked abt skam france before s6 started and during and you're just such a wonderful person!! thank you for always being there for me and helping me with my french homework i truly cannot thank you enough for that because you're constantly saving my ass jdhd. you're just so fun to talk to and such a talented gif maker like... for real your gif sets always knock me out and you're always so original in what you gif🥺❣

@geminibf i know i've told you that before but your blog is my comfort blog on here literally just seeing your posts on my dash always makes my day and you're one of the most beautiful ppl i've ever known like how do you even manage to do that🥺💘 plus you're sooo talented at this point im convinced that there's absolutely nothing that you cannot do so yeah i have no idea where this sentence is going but i guess what im trying to tell u is that i love u and im so happy to be ur friend

@alterlovex niiiii❣❣❣ you're not even like a tumblr mutual you're like my tumblr sister (figure out what the hell this is supposed to mean jdjd) and you were one of the first people who hyped my stupid posts up and it always made me go 🥺😭. i started following you despite the fact that u had a wtfock icon (honorary) and i absolutely never regretted it. you're so beautiful and warm and so is your blog and i will try to talk more to u again in 2021. im virtually sending you so many flowers🌷🌻🌸💐

@jorgecrespo you're just the coolest bitch alive. i followed you for your skam rankings and stayed for your whole entire personality. every post you make truly just slaps, you never miss, and i relate to you so much jdjd. the way you answer anon messages will forever be my favorite thing about your blog and just the way you talk in general like without even seeing your url i always know when it's you who wrote a post. i love you❕❕💖

@jusdekiwi you and aurore are the reason why french people deserve rights, you are such a lovely and genuine person and i absolutely love you and your chill vibes on your blog. also thank you for helping me out with my french homework thingy once like. thank you so so much for being so lovely and taking your time julia!🌻

@suburbanenigma carmen i love you and all of your posts and just the vibes on your blog!!! also omfg your riverdale side blog always makes me laugh soo much i truly cannot wait for s5 to air so we can make fun of it together because i will live blog the shit out of it too!! you're just one of the coolest bitches ever i don't know how else to say it. i love you and cant wait to talk to you more next year. you're such a blessing for this hellsite🦋✨

@sundaymorninghangover julian you are one of my oldest friends on here and i've loved you ever since i found your blog and figured out that u were a part of the having taste club (skames fandom) too!! you're so chill!!! i love your brain!! i love your posts!!! and most importantly i love you. please keep on blessing my dash with your cool posts because they are definitely appreciated and loved in this house. also i miss your frog icon (please don't hit me in case it wasn't a frog) it just spoke volumes about your vibes but i love ur new one too!! still associate the purple heart with you so here it is 💜💜

@lesbeanfatou clara you simply are an angel. you used to have a nora grace icon and i went: that's it, she's the one, she has taste im gonna follow!! and look it was one of the best decisions ever. you're my favorite chaotic n cool mosquito hater and i just love you so much and you made my year beautiful!! thank you for always listening to me when i came into your inbox to have a break down (positive or negative) over the we feel in love in october girl and thank you for teaching me how make edits!!!💐💘

@aoixe you're one of my favorite skamfr hate blogs and certain men hate blogs (if u know u know) i always love talking and ranting with you and am so glad that we're sometimes just dming!! you're vibes are so cool a d you seem like such a chill person i love you and wish you all the best for 2021!!❣❣

@fatoudixon ana i love you and your blog so so much and especially your druck reaction videos on youtube!! you seem like such a genuine and beautiful person and even though we're not talking much please just know that im always happy to see you on my dash. happy new year to you!!💘💘

@cash-queens sam🥺 you're so sweet and kind this hell site truly doesn't even deserve you but we all love that you're here anyway!! i would protect you with my life and i hope that we will get to talk more in 2021 because you're such a lovely person and for now im just gonna wish u a happy new year✨

@avaceleste sophiaaa💌 you've been here ever since the very beginning of skamfr season 6 and i always love talking to you and long live our eliola jokes, you were probably the person i started this cult with so here is our eliola emoji starterpack one more time in 2020 💏🌧🎬

@hashtag-ohboy-nicetry i have no idea whose side blog this was but the url alone made my entire year🤭🤞

@ random love anon❤ i love you and hope that 2021 will be a good year for you because you absolutely deserve it!!! wishing u nothing but the best i always love to see you around!💐💘

all the other amazing blogs i love and am always happy to see on my dash (doesn't matter if we're mutuals or not)

@floraflorenzi / @bi-kieu-my / @gumptin / @thegirlnooneknows5 / @littleweirdoss / @sohereisthisasshole / @noramachwtz / @nori-in-pink / @ayellowcurtain / @mailinrichter / @ijzermanora / @fudgetunblr / @lesbianfatous / @norgestan / @cfgc / @avaspereira / @theflowerisblue / @smblmn / @jon-astronaut / @amiraamore / @parelmoer / @stqrz 💘❣💐🦋💌🌸

i wish all of you a very happy new year and thank you for all of your gifs, posts, translations, fanfics & edits you all truly make this place beautiful❕💘

[httpsgfg]

happy 9 months to this bad bitch!!

it's sappy o'clock look away

yeah yeah another one of these

look, i won’t drone on about how shit this year has been we’re all well aware and past that. what i want to focus on is the joy and refuge that i have found here thanks to this album. i don’t think i have ever been this surprised and taken aback by an album before? in the best way possible. i was a casual listener at best, a local if you will. i knew the Hits i just never felt the urge to dive in...but that all changed as soon as i heard red desert. genuine and utter shock? no words to describe it really. i went down the youtube rabbit hole and well i’m a wholeass clown now. i don’t really contribute anything as i can’t edit, i don’t write, i never planned on immersing myself in the fandom per se. i thought i’d just come here to reblog pretty moving pictures and talk to myself in the tags, i had no idea i’d meet such kind and wonderful people and actually make friends? i’ve been in and out of So Many fandoms and never really found that sense of belonging to a community like i have here.

everyone i have come across has been so caring and kind and friendly. i appreciate the effort and love you put into each gifset and edit, every chapter written, memes and all. moreover, i have watched you all support each other through this difficult year and all the shitty hands we’ve been dealt and i couldn’t be more proud of each and every single one of you. simply for being here. know that my inbox is anon friendly and always open. keep on keeping on, i love you!! @karajaynetoday @kindahoping4forever @ashtcnirwin @blackbutterfliescal @cakelftv @mukeaf @mikeycliffords @bandsanitizer @calmfolklore @notinthesameguey @twilightmomentswithyou @ghost-of-you @ashesonthefloor @devilatmydoor @tekweela @ashtonsunshine @afterlows @sexgodashton  and a few more words to those of you who made the effort to talk to me bc god forbid i do something first @clumsyclifford bella!! you were the first one to reach out and welcome me here and i will never forget that. thank you for bringing nothing but positive vibes on the dash, and thank you for creating the club and extending me an invitation that i’m still too much of a wuss to accept. discord and group chats can be overwhelming and i’d just end up lurking but i appreciate it sm♥ @rebelwith0utacause ana, my yugosos partner in crime!! where do i even begin? knowing there’s someone else from around here has made me feel right at home; thank you for the laughs, your cool older sis vibes, and everything else in between!! i am proud of you for kicking rona’s ass, working so hard, and being such a good pup mom and carer for mocha ♥живе биле велике порасле, ве сакам♥ @compulsiveidiota gigi my love. thank you. i enjoy our music talks immensely, not to mention yelling at each other during random michael/luke/muke photos spam sessions. please keep them coming. keep on bowling, barking, biting mean people, and being awesome♥

@wheniminouterspace shal. my fav crying-to-mitski pal. i hope you’re catching some zzzs rn and i can’t wait to see you wake up to new luke content!!!!!! also wayf supremacy!! had to put that out there. thank you for our always chaotic chats i enjoy them endlessly. i love youuu♥

@redrattlers em!!! i am still so amazed at how much our music/tv show/movie tastes match i could cry. the shared brain cell is strong in this one. i just know we would be the best of friends if only we knew each other irl too thank you for helping me spread the nbt agenda here. for sharing such good music with me. for listening to my playlists? just for being rad as hell. i love your edits, i love your energy, i love having you as a firend, i love you♥

@lifewasradical amanda!! i am so incredibly proud of you and everything that you have accomplished this year!! congrats once again on getting your masters in the middle of this mess. balancing school and work and just life in general and still finding time to come here and be your lovely self, i appreciate it a lot. all my love to you and endi♥

@himbocalum hi nat!! i remember we started talking thanks to a music ask thingy and me just calling you nat right away as if we’ve known each other forever bc it felt too formal to use your full name shfjlsd. it is always a pleasure to see you on my dash sending plenty of calum content my way. still blows my mind you sat down and listened to a wholeass album bc i wouldn’t stop talking about it. and then checked out the other albums too. and indulged me and let me talk your ear off about them. thank you, i love you and i still chuckle every time i see your url. iconic♥

@kaleidoscopeminds meg. meg meg meg. i remember saying i’d name my firstborn after you/your url and i stand by that. you having a blog with this gorgeous lover of mine line is quite fitting. thank you for the constant supply of quality content be that relatable text posts, stunning gifsets, dead on moodboards.......[i am still not over the one you made for me tyvm] just thank you. for being you. please don’t hog all the talent. i love you♥

@calumsthood san. i am so sorry you had to scroll past all of that^ but i wanted to end this with you. CEO of squish content. i can’t tell you how much i enjoy seeing you lose your marbles over chaotic aussies. even the one i only know about thanks to you. please stop calling your crispee hq gifs/edits garbage. i am no longer asking. thank you for blessing us with on the record footage that you got from music dot apple dot com. for letting me drag you back into nbt. bless you. keep sharing photos of your adorable dog!!!!! i love you that is all♥

[frannyzooey]

Okay so I've spent a long time curating stuff you wrote and posted because I miss reading your writing (I went all the way back to May 13th, then Tumblr, this hellsite, refreshed 🤡) and would like to say a few things:

You write so much and so beautifully and prolifically, I'm truly amazed by your talent (if u ever hear a "all hail kelli" coming from somewhere, know that I was the one who started the chant)

I'm SO EXCITED for your new Marcus Moreno fic and your Javier Peña fic, I got more and more excited with each ask you answered/pic you tagged as "xxx inspo" about them

Tumblr didn't notify me of weeknights chapter 4, which means it really hates me but that's cool, I already decided to turn on notifications on your blog bc literally every single thing you write is Art™ of the prettiest and most wonderful kind, so I refuse to miss any of it 😤

I am bewildered at how sweet and kind and thoughtful you are - this "dive", of sorts, i did into your blog showed me just how much of a good and caring person you are, your answers and comments on others' fics were always so wholesome and joyful, idk man, you really are special! And it didn't really come as a surprise, but it just makes me incredibly warm inside thinking that you're out there making people's days better and being this bright light in the community, not to mention i still can't believe my luck to be able to call you a friend. You are wonderful 🥺❤️

I just remembered something else, I'm very 👀👀👀 at Gracie's happy ending which you hinted at in an answer 👁️👁️ is it out already? Did I miss it? Hdjdjdjsjsh

Anyways. I must sound like a broken record by now saying how much I love, appreciate and admire you, but I just can't help myself 🤷 now I'll go and read all the stuff I missed out on from you and I'd like to thank you once again for writing and sharing your marvelous talent for free like the literal angel you are 🥰✨

lela ❤️

I truly do not deserve this kind of love — your reblogs (which gave me life yesterday), your endless kindness, this wonderful ask just dropped into my inbox — it’s been a rough couple of days and it’s like you knew I needed that extra shot of love and came bursting in here with it like the ray of sunshine you are 🥰

1) I don’t even know what to say to this — I am so beyond happy you like my writing, it makes me so happy to share it and sometimes I get a little nervous about posting too much or wish I was a little bit more careful? choosing? about my writing but the way you just took those insecurities and said “NOT TODAY” — thank you 🥰❤️

2) eeeeee!!! I am so excited you are excited! I have a lot of ideas for them and it’s been nice to explore the fic in asks because it kinda takes the pressure off writing something more substantial? longer? more structured? looking at those tags is kinda dreamy, ain’t it? 😍

3) BUT THEN YOU READ IT AND MADE ME CRY with your reblog and I’m still weepy — thank you ☺️

4) this is something that is really important to me because sharing takes guts, takes being vulnerable, takes putting yourself out there and as someone who very much struggles with that in real life I want to make sure that I am beyond welcoming and enthusiastic to anyone who wants to share anything on here. kindness takes so little yet goes such a long way and I love seeing it on my dash — it makes people feel so welcomed and then we get more content which is always the goal, right? ❤️ you are my friend, something for which I am very thankful and you are one of the biggest resources of support and kindness — the generosity you provide with your time to support and uplift others is truly inspiring and I love you for that. 🥰

5) Gracie IS gonna get her ending — you didn’t miss it ❤️ feel free to send me any asks you have about her in the meantime, I’ve missed her so!

YOU are the angel, a true blessing and I appreciate you more than I can say. I am HONORED you took a deep dive on my blog — if that ain’t a love letter, idk what IS. 🥰🥰❤️

I LOVE YOU

[captainjanegay]

Kasia’s Festival of Fondness - Holiday Edition ♥

It's super late on Christmas Eve (which is the most important day of holiday celebrations in Poland, just a fun fact dnsjjs) or early af on Christmas Day, depends how you look at it dhsjsj and I'm kinda in a food coma and having a beer with my brother. I've been thinking about doing this for a while and there's no time to share some love and affection than the Christmas times. So bear with my sappy self for a while, would ya?

This year sucked a lot. It's been the weirdest time all of us had to go through, it was filled with anxiety and worry and isolation. So now, more than ever, I'm so thankful to have so many incredible people in my life. People I've never actually met in my life but who make me so incredibly happy and brighten up every single one of my days. People who live miles and miles away but are somehow one of the closest ones to me. People whom I love deeply and meeting them was the best thing that happened to me. People who are going to get an incredibly sappy shoutout from me right now and will have to read through all my late-night, slightly-drunk but oh-so-sincere rambling. In no particular order, here we go:

@steverrogers

My sweetest Becky. I will forever cherish the day we first talked because it was a start of something beautiful. I love talking to you, you're such an amazing and interesting person, so smart and beautiful inside and out, so funny and supportive. Not one day passes without you making me smile by whatever lovely thing you say to me, by popping up on my dash or by popping up in my thoughts all of sudden (which happens a lot). You're so caring and sweet and 12 out of 10 times I don't know how to handle your sweetness. I love being able to help you with learning polish (and the fact that you're doing this is just so??? I'm in awe, this language is hell dhsjsj). I could talk to you for for hours or just sit in silence with you for hours and I'll look forward to the day you come to kidnap me :') I love you endlessly 💜✨💚

@hbalbat

I've said that already and I'm gonna say this again and again - you're such a ray of sunshine in the life of every person that has you in their life, Helena. You're so sweet and loving and you care so deeply about all your friends here. It's so amazing to see and being on the receiving end of your love and affection?? It's unreal 💚 I love hearing about your day or about your likes, dislikes or struggles. Even when the world feels overwhelming, you are always able to get up and face it and you're so much stronger than you let yourself believe. You're such a talented, artistic soul and I love you endlessly. You brought a smile to my face so many times and you were able to do this even when I was feeling so low and I'll forever be thankful for your bright and wonderful presence in my life. I love you so much, my sweet pumpkin.

@its-tortle

Luisa, my heart 💚 You are amazing and I'm in awe of you. You're such a beautiful force of energy, love and kindness and I'm always so incredibly happy when this force is directed towards me. You're such an incredible writer and every time you compliment my work I'm like "??? You say this is good but have you actually read your own writing?? How is this possible??". Your comments on my works make me cry real tears. And the card you've sent me? It's so sweet and I'll keep it forever, having something that you've actually held and wrote just for me is so great 💚 You have such a huge and loving heart and being your friend is an incredible privilege that I'll be grateful forever. Thank you for being so supportive and caring, you deserve all the good things in life and I love you to the moon and back 🥺💚

@buckybees

My loveliest Bee, you're so incredibly talented and both your fanarts and fanfics always makes me smile so much? You have the greatest ideas and I'm in awe of how creative and amazing your mind is. You are also so sweet and talking to you is always an absolute pleasure. And the fact that you're part polish makes me so happy? As you've once said, it's like we have this special connection and it's so amazing 💚 You're so nice and supportive and my heart always goes !!!! when you pop up in my notifs :') Having you as a friend makes me so happy and I can't wait for your card (even if it comes in July I'm gonna cry the happiest tears, just thinking that you've sent me one makes me so happy :')) 💚 you make me so happy and I love you loads 💚

@anna-wa

My lovely Anna 💚 I'm so so happy you're still puttin up with me even despite my fandom change and ironically (or not) I think we're now talking more than ever? And it makes me so happy? You're such an amazing person and I love hearing your thoughts and opinions. And you're also so caring and amazing. I've said this a milion times already but the day you've pointed out I probably have ADHD was life-changing and it really helped my mental well-being so much 🥺 You're amazing, talented and the best friend one could dream off. I love you so much and I hope only good things happen to you because you deserve all the happiness and softness the universe has to offer 💚 I love you a whole lot 💚✨

@farfromthstars

My sweet, amazing Pia 💚 you're one of my oldest friends on here and even though we don't talk as much as we used to you're in my thoughts a lot. You've always been nothing but amazing to me and I'll forever be in awe of all the kindness and affection I've gotten from you. I've became obsessed with so many things because (or thanks to, it depends dnsjjs) of you and I love how many of our interests align. I'm so proud of you and you're all of my all-time fave authors, you're so talented :') You're like an older sister I always wanted to have dhsjsj 💚 I love you so much and as messy as the 1d fandom can be, I'll forever be grateful that it brought us together :')

@ziallerslouve

Annika, my sweetheart! 💚 We don't talk as much as we used to but you're still one of my favourite people on here. I love that we can go for months without talking or interacting in any way but then we just go back to where we were and just catch up without any awkwardness (and for my weird af communication skills - or lack of thereof - it's the most comforting thing? 🥺). We have so much in common and I love that you always get me so well 💚 You're so great and it's so amazing to have you as a friend 💚

@mysterious-marvel

Milly, my sweetest! Every time I see you on my dash it puts the biggest smile on my face! You're so talented and sweet and I love and cherish every single interaction we have 💚 You're so supportive and incredible and beautiful inside and out, I'm so happy I've joined the marvel fandom and was able to meet you 💚

@metalbvcky

Mandy, you precious soul! 💚 We didn't talk as much but I love you so much? You're so sweet and kind and you always brighten up my dash. And the fact that you decided to organise a secret Santa event to brighten up this hell of a year is just so amazing! You have a huge and beautiful heart and I adore you so much. Also I'm soooo excited to read "Mercury in Retrograde"?? It sounds so incredible and since you're an amazing writer I know I'll love it :')

@sexiestvampirevictim

Lidia, you're an ethereal creature and I still don't know what have I done for you to bless my life with your presence. I love you so much and your continuing support means everything to me 💚 You're wonderful and amazing and nobody gets my uni struggles as well as you do fjsjsj you always make sure that I won't bury myself in a hole of uni-related self-hatred and I really wish things could be better for you but knowing that I'm not alone is really reassuring :') 💚 you're an unstoppable force and you can conquer the world (and you should tbh, it would be such an incredible place if you did) and I love you as much an many there are stars in the sky

@christmascap

Lauren, my love! I'm still in awe that you're following me, you're like the cool, popular mutual I've had and always admired from afar but then you started talking to me and I'm not sure what to do now? You're so talented and your edits and ficlets are so heartbreakingly good. I can't understand why they don't get more attention because there just so beautiful and everyone should see them. And you're such a warm and kind person, you're always so sweet to your followers and I bet you're so much fun to be around irl :') I know that no matter what obstacles the world throws your way, you're able to overcome them all. I love you loads and while I'm still kinda nervous while talking you (I don't even know why!! You're such a sweetheart! 💚) I wanted you to know that I adore you so much 💚💚

@hufflepufsh

Huffy, my little angel! You're also one of my favourite friends on here and even if were basically in completely different fandoms rn, I'm so thankful that you're in my life! We can go without talking for ages and they we just pop up into each others Inbox and declare our undying love and I think it's beautiful?? You're so amazing and we've known each other for so long and you're like a constant in my life and every time I see you on my dash it makes me so happy, even if I have no idea what you're blogging about dhsjsj I lava you and I'll give you everything 💚💚

@lepetitcomte

.

My most wonderful Mum 💚 I love you and I'd die for you. I suck at maintaining conversations but I think about you a lot. And I mean like a lot. I always send good vibes your way and when you feel a random warmness in your heart it's my vibes finally making it across the ocean. You're so incredibly smart and you've always been so supportive and kind and wonderful to me. Even when we don't talk I'm eternally grateful you're a part of my life. You've gotta piece of my heart and being your daughter is an honour I have no idea how I deserved 💚

.

Also a huge shout-out to @hawkeyeandthewintersoldier @ywecanthavenicethingsanymore @hannah-stagram @ceilingventclintbarton @lifeishell @reedstorm @justice-for-plums @samrhodey for being literal angels and brightening my dash with their presence and brightening my life with every single interaction we've ever had :') 💚💚

I'm probably forgetting so many people and I'm so sorry for that. It's been so long since I've started writing it in my notes and my brain power is getting low fjsjsj I love and cherish every single mutual and every single follower I have no matter if we ever interacted or not. You all make me so happy and you make my days so much more bearable. The unbelievable amount of love and support I've gotten from you warms my heart and it's going to make me burst one day :') thank you for putting up with me through this post and through every single day, I'm in awe you still follow this mess of a blog and continue to give me your affection and love. I love you endlessly 💚💚💚

[writefightandflightclub]

Me appreciating you for Fanfic Writers’ Appreciation Day, but a day late, because I do everything late. Anyway... yay!

1. PLEASE LOOK DOWN THIS LIST (BELOW THE CUT) UNTIL YOU SPOT AN AUTHOR YOU’RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH

2. GO AND CHECK OUT THEIR STUFF

3. SCREAM AT THEM ABOUT HOW GREAT THEY ARE

4. SIGNAL BOOST THE HELL OUT OF THEIR STUFF

5. REPEAT STEPS ABOVE

Firstly, before we proceed to the list: I will have forgotten people, and for that I am so sorry (not in any way intentional)- I will come back and update if I spot someone I’ve missed. Secondly, for fic authors who weren’t tagged on Fic Writers’ Day, please keep doing what you’re doing! Putting your writing out there takes courage and I’m super proud of you. I’m so pleased we have your unique voice in the fandom, and I appreciate you.

Secondly, if you know an author who perhaps didn’t get as much love as they deserve (and don’t be afraid to self-hype) please send me an ask with a) their/your handle b) which fandom they/you write for (to be relevant to my page pls keep this to SW, Oscar, Pedro, MCU) c) why people should check them/you out and, if you like, which fic to start with, and I’ll do a shout-out.

Finally, if you aren’t a writer yet but you want to be, I believe in you! Please take the plunge! My inbox is always open to any aspiring writers who need encouragement to make that first post or start that first fic. I’ve been in your position, and believe me I’m in your corner. Happy to be your hype girl.

Reccing authors in Star Wars / Oscar / Pedro fandoms:

@okay-hotshot / Celeste is the loveliest human ever. She had me hooked from her first fic, which broke then healed my heart, and I’m so proud of her writing journey so far! Check her page out for Oscar character fics and the most magical, creative, immersive, touching, original Llewyn fic you could dream up: Wait for me.

@mandoplease where do I even start? Becca oozes talent and absolutely floors me every single time. The first fic I read was: The City Lights Can Wait (Santi x reader) and I was just blown away by the writing prowess. Gorgeous prose, mind blowing metaphors and descriptions. A personal fave is the Santi/Frankie threesome fic: Moving Day, but Fight Night also needs a mention. Check her out for Triple Frontier / Narcos / Star Wars characters.

@mylifeliterally Ok, Emma is an absolute gem of a human. Funny, welcoming and so supportive of other writers. Oh, and can be counted on for thots. I often rec the positively artful Triple Frontier gangbang fic (and now series) Team Building Exercise, but don’t overlook her other fics- I especially love: Just for Tonight, a two-part Santi fic. The Triple Frontier Queen, she is slowly dragging everyone into a pit of yearning along with her for every single one of those boys and we’re not even mad. Her writing is flawless and I cannot get enough. P.s. she has a refridgerator husband.

@tintinwrites I’ve already gushed at Caitlin today so I’ll keep it brief. Queen of Poe, and also branching out and excelling with everything she touches in Pedro fandoms too. I think I’ve read near everything on her masterlist and there are no wrong choices, but to pick out only a couple, which is a hard task, imma rec Forbidden Fruit and Fifty Ways to Kiss someone for Po, and Nothing Could be Finer for reader x Frankie x Santi. 

@woakiees again, gushed at Hadley already so I’ll try and keep it chill here. Queen of angst and darkness, and of First Order Poe. Also love that she’s writing for Santi and Din now too. Caitlin says it best when she describes Hadley’s writing as like something from 1843 with a modern twist. Such a unique voice. Imma recommend Sanctified and So ruthless, Darling for Poe.

@iamthe-shadow-on-the-wall Abby! The range! You know I remind you on a bi-monthly basis how much Lonely Nights (Poe x reader) broke my heart and here we go again. You can do it all- fluffy, slow burn series (Call it what you want), heartbreaking angst and smut- your Blue Jones mob boss AU, Darkest Little Paradise? Wowzers. Plus, you’re a sweetie and I love when we scream at each other. 

@darksideofclarke Clarke does so much for us all and just keeps giving. From the Sinful Sunday events to the incredible Follower Celebration, to setting up a whole side blog to extend the character takeovers?! Blessed with content! And Clarke’s fics?! Exquisite, and such a choice of characters from the Oscar fandom. I particularly love Now and Forevermore (Orestes); Bulletproof (Santi); Humbled (Blue); and ‘Til Death Do They Part (Mikael) but I could easily go on. Clarke you’re so talented. And you are a lovely human to boot!

@bluebellhairpin Nemo, you are a joy, and I won’t gush at you too much bc I already did that today, but I love what you’re putting out. You write for so many fandoms, which is so impressive, and you��re a fellow Poe hoe. I adore your series Fight or Flight, Rider, but you have so many cute one-shots and blurbs too e.g. Poe Dameron is an Idiot! Your audios give me life as well.

@spider-starry Carrie is so much fun and has been branching out a lot in her writing recently, which is great to see! I love Carrie’s 100 letter project in particular, for various Oscar characters, as well as this smutty Nathan NSFW Alphabet, which had me all in a tizz.

@aellynera (tag me in your stuff pls?) I love your drunk text series for Santi and Nathan and your Itsy Bitsy Spider headcanons made me howl! I’m so excited to see what you put out next! And I love that you also love Nathan :D

@anetteaneta already gushed at you today so I’ll keep it brief, but I’m so happy you’re sharing your writing! I loved your Sherlock series for Santi so much! And OMG wait, I didn’t see you’d written for Nathan until just now. Must catch-up. (Please tag me in any Oscar stuff you put out?)

@veuliee2 I need to catch-up on a lot of your fics to be fair (please tag me in stuff?) but you write Orestes so wonderfully and with so much heart that it blows me away (New Constellations). So few fics on him on this site and yours are a pleasure. Plus, you’re an all round lovely person! :o)

@thirsty-flygirl I don’t think you believe how good you are which makes me very sad to be honest. Because you’re amazing. You write Poe so spot on, so warm and goofy and a lovable sexy dumbass. Perfect. Your writing and dialogue makes me smile / laugh and you can somehow make it hot and soft all at once. I love your series Idiots in particular. (Please tag me in more of your stuff though as I worry I miss things you put out?). You’re great and I love having you here.

@twomoonstwosuns​ I really need to catch-up on your Poe series, Back to You but I really enjoyed the chapters I’ve read! (Please tag me in future Poe stuff?) You’re a star! 

@absurdthirst I’m newish in the Pedro fandoms so still getting to grips with it, but have loved what I’ve seen so far and look forward to delving deeper (and there’s plenty to get stuck into!)!Most recently read the Ezra fic Healing which was beautifully and sensitively written (cw: for prior assault).

@damerondjarin Taylor is multi-talented and blesses us, tbh, with GIFs and writing. She’s currently in tumblr jail, but I strongly advise you check out all her stuff. I came for Santi fics and they did not disappoint (I can’t link to it but the latest Santi fic killed me and was a wonderul take on the “there’s only one bed” trope.

@damndamer0n you have a gift, Ty. I’m in awe and I don’t know how you do what you do. Your way with words is really something special. I bow. Gonna recommend Just Friends for Poe because this is such a warm and immersive (and hot) fic and so in character. But honestly all your stuff is perfect. I’ve read things for characters I’ve never heard of before because of you and have loved each and every one. (Like, really, what are your secrets, tell us?). Also gonna shout-out to your Ezra fic, Sunlight, beacuse the world-building and mood-building was lovely. Really memorable!

@mssr-cellophane I found your work recently through FinnPoe week and your glorious take on the The Jacket prompt (links to A03). Looking forward to reading more of your stuff (please feel free to tag me!) and surprised by how much I vibe with all your posts haha. Happy to follow you! :)

@yougottakeeponkeepinon AMANDA? Where do I begin and how do I stop? You’re such an important part of this site for me. I think you’re wonderful as a person and I love your writing too. Miscommunication (First Order! Poe) is off the scale brilliant, and then you blew me away with your latest Santi fic, Eavesdropping, but honestly, I’ve never read anything of yours I didn’t love, from goofy Poe to soft soft Llewyn (I love Away from the Sun). I WANNA YELL AT YOU YOU’RE JUST THE BEST.

@poesflygirl Nat is a ball of energy and that comes across in her writing. Nat, you write with such verve and energy and defo have a unique voice. You write the angstiest angst and fluffiest fluff and you also write action and dialogue so well. Your fics have a ton of unexpected turns and are unpredictable, and you have loads of unique ideas which are really fresh and different to read. You don’t seem to believe how good you are, which makes me sad tbqh. I love when I see a tag pop up and get to read something new from you! In particular love your Poe series, You and Paging a Heart, and these Poe one-shots: Just another Benduday Night and Truth or Dare.

@starryeyedstories NOVA. You are pure sunshine. You spread so much positivity and you’re the loveliest human. Your are the Queen of softness and fluff and for comforting and beautifully written fics. Your series, Across the Hall,has taken us all on such a wonderful journey and I don’t want it to ever end. It’s like my happy place! Each chapter is practically a hug with words. Your Din one-shot All of Me is so romantic as well!

@softpedropascal I’m newish in Pedro fandoms but softpedropascal writes wonderfully for Frankie. The dedication to the character is evident, and characterisation wonderful- I can’t wait to read more: Masterlist

@rzrcrst okay, you may know rzrcrst for Pedro fics (which are wonderful) but she also recently started writing for Tony Stark and I’m so happy! 😀🧡 (Fun fact- her url is also the reason I couldn’t spell Razor Crest properly when I finally started writing for Din). She’s currently taking a well-earned tumblr break but fics are still up on Ao3- linked in profile.

@writefasttalkevenfaster​ Please tag me in any of your Star Wars stuff as I swear I keep missing things and I don’t mean to! Masterlist

@galaxy-of-stories​ Maddie, I keep missing things you post but you’re lovely and your writing is awesome. I love your Poe series Over and Over and I think I’ve just spotted a new chapter to catch-up on so lucky me! :D

@who-talks-first Billie, my lovely friend! You’re wonderful to have around on this hellsite. Your dedication to supporting writers in these fandoms is unparelled and you’re an absolute sweatheart, as well as super fun to chat to and thirst with. You have certainly made my experience on this site so much better! And also, your writing? Excuse me? So good. Your Poe fic, The Torture of Small Talk With Someone You Used to Love? Sublime! And the Poe, Naked, Dripping, Locked? So funny! You definitely have a unique style and your writing can be simultaneously edgy, poetic, and moving. ILY!

@xxidontwikeitxx Hope you don’t mind being included, as you haven’t posted your work, but you ARE a writer, and I’m so happy you’ve recently started creating! Again, hope you don’t mind me saying, but I had the pleasure of reading your Marcus Pike blurb, and it’s was so soft and lovely. I really hope - when/if you’re comfortable- you decide share your work, and if not, I hope you keep enjoying the process! Would leave to read more from you in the future!

@shakespeareanwannabe is writing such a heartfelt Santi x OC story (find it here) with sublime characterisation of both Santi and Frankie, AS WELL AS seriously well-rounded and compelling OCs / supporting cast. This series is a key contributor for me falling down a Frankie rabbit role, and my First Dates fic likely wouldn’t exist without it! So excited for more!

Also shoutout to @ollypopp @milleniumvalcon @justrunamok @yourbucky084 who are delightful beings and whose writing I need to catch-up on!I look forward to it!

[kyunsies]

things i love + appreciate about my closest moots  💖 (obviously no particular order bc you all hold such a special place in my heart)

i was going to wait and post this when i hit 400 followers but that has passed and i wasn't ready in time and i didn’t really know when to post this ;; so i’m just going to do it now to remind everyone that it is truly a blessing to be here in your presence :) i don’t want to get mushy ALREADY sdlkfjsd but pls know you all mean so much to me <33

@theyoungflexer — my person, my rock, chelle you’re super special!! we have such a quirky relationship that somehow works extremely well; idk how but i had this feeling from the moment we spoke with each other i was like “omg this gal is so funky and sweet!!” i was really excited to get to know you, and we’ve talked everyday without FAIL since we became moots :) v grateful for you chelle, you’re my home girl!! (even tho we live across the states hehe) 💘💗 also i just respect you on so many levels like the way you just attend one of the most amazing colleges in the US and is thriving?? not to mention your equally as smart brother also going to an amazing college too???????? speechless. ALSO BIG SHOUT OUT BC  you are also the reason for inspiring me to start giffing so,,,,,,literally wouldn’t be here without you GOD chelle i’m so mushy for you :’((((

@softhyungkyun — 1/2 of my mom friends!!! my monmomma, my calming energy in this chaotic world!! victoria, my sweet vic how i love u so!! not to mention the BEST canadabebe around 😘 truly don’t know what i would do without you hun!! do u know how special u are to me?? how much i loved ur lil bunny pics whenever u went on a run; your CONSTANT surveillance of my many typos; and most importantly your scalding of me whenever i show my ~alter ego nasty mädch who is a simp for kyun~ (huh?? who said that, certainly not me!!) i literally look up to you in so many ways, and i’m glad i have someone like you in my life 💗💘💖

@ckyunoirs — you’ve all seen it coming but my actual soulmate!! the best kyun soulmate ever 🥺 i honestly can’t remember how we became moots LOL but i just know i thought you seemed like an absolute sweetheart (which you are) and i was so nervous to talk to you!! i was like “ah omg she has so many anons and everyone associates her w kyun i would like to be at that level” but look at us now!!! we really do share the same (thirsting for kyun always 🤝) braincell and i love that i can tell you what’s on my mind always!! you are such a nurturing soul suni, always stressing how important it is to take care of ourselves 🤧 angel behavior i think!! i don’t even have to elaborate anymore bc i think (i hope) you know truly how much you mean to me suni!!!!! thank you for being such a great friend <33

@memehyungwon — nessa!!! my love whom i get extremely excited about whenever i see your name pop up in my inbox 🥺🥺 get yourself a nessa!!!! so sweet, so supportive, so kind, and just all around LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY!! the cutest, my emotional support bub really 💘💗💖💓💞 so much love for you, plus you’re a multi-talented queen with the moodboards + edits like hello you are LEGENDARY!!! also a multistan extraordinaire, what more could u ask for?? aaaand you call me your “cariño mio” like.......,,shush i’m sobbing just thinking of it 🥺

@pansynight — i think ezra is a fallen angel I SAID IT!!! srsly THE most supportive, trustworthy, and down to earth person in the whole wide world. such a hard worker i mean moodboards, audio edits, writing on the side sometimes, AND gifmaking???????? incredible!!! and is just as a hopeless romantic as i am (cue us crying over how much we love Love together,,,,,i need a moment 😭)!! one friend who i can feel totally comfortable + stripped down with 💙💙 did i already say supportive bc ezra is the Most Supportive Bub if you didn’t already catch that 🥺

@sohcean — bee!!!! a fairly recent moot but one i love very much nonetheless!!!! i looked up to you a lot akdbdjdkjdb like you were one of my “it” monsta x blogs imo hehe but i remember i tagged you in a post where an anon asked me who my fav blogs were and 🥺🥺 you sent me an ask something along the lines of “ty v much i’m glad we’re moots now!!” AND WHEN I TELL YOU!!! i was crying 😭😭😭 anyways, always checks in on me once in a while and you’re always super duper sweet and caring (and thank you for submitting sweet kyun pics occasionally; they are SO desperately needed);; plus you are so extremely eloquent with your writing -- when you post something particularly long i kinda just space out into dreamland  bc you just take me to another place with your words omg *chefs kiss* love ya hun!!! 💙💜💙💜💙

@burnitupmp3 — ah ADRY!!! honestly i was really scared to talk to you too for some reason DJFLSDJ but i think that’s bc you’re so extremely hilarious :’) but now that we are certified CLINGMATES 🥺 i literally thank my lucky stars for you everyday :( always and i mean ALWAYS supporting not only me but all of your other moots too ITS SO AMAZING TO SEE!!!!!! never being shy and always starting a conversation with everyone like i’m starting to get the feeling that maybe you DO in fact know every monbebe on this site HEHE but!!!!! grateful for you, if there is one singular constant on tumblr it's you and you're humor, kindness, individuality 💘💗 1/3 of my joobebes, but my ONLY rujoobebe :’) alSO TY FOR FEEDING ME J.SEPH CONTENT <33

@minhyukie — LISTEN if you don’t follow amy you’re missing oUT!!!! but srsly amy i’m going to get really mushy on you jfsdlkfj  🥺🥺 i’ve been following you ever since i made this blog in january (obvi bc u make High Quality content) and i just need to get this off my chest but when u popped in my messages telling me what i was doing wrong in ps about the smart object thing I LITERALLY SCREAMED I JUMPED OUT OF MY SEAT I MESSAGED @theyoungflexer AND WAS LIKE OMG OMG OMG AMY JUST TALKED TO ME!!!!!!!!! jeez like i was so embarrassingly excited :’D !!! man, am i SO happy we are moots <33 the best minbebe around, always providing me with advice and so many resources,,,not to mention we kinda (??) live relatively close-ish to each other so that’s also very cool LOL but srsly!!! amy you are such a backbone for the mbb community here and i look up to you SO much,,,smooches to u 💘💗

@leejooheons — aj!!! 2/3 of my joobebes!!! we are only recently moots but much like amy, i’ve been following you since the beginning of my blog’s existence!! gosh i look up to you in sooooo many ways and again LIKE AMY when i finally found the courage to talk to you i kinda freaked out when you responded LOL !! your gifs are absolutely AMAZING STUNNNG WONDERFUL; you inspire me to really improve my skills, and you always always ALWAYS give me such helpful advice all the time when i don’t even ask for it :( if anything i can't imagine how annoying it is to see me complain about all of my ps troubles but you still take time out of your day to always give me the best tips ever. and for that??? i’m SUPER grateful for all that you do for not only me but for monbebe tumblr too !!! 💘💗

@chaelight — fern!! my other resourceful monbebe moot 🥺 even though we don’t talk all the time, you, like aj, are always providing me with such amazing content advice!!! seriously idk why you all are so incredibly nice to me it’s so touching 😭 and just like bee, you also give me such a calming vibe; you’re just an overall delight to see on my dash because your content is SO well thought out too <33 love you fern!!

@joosgf — lulu!!! 3/3 of my joobebes who also takes the time to tag me in kyun content 🥺 we do not message often but :( omg you’re such a freaking cutie :( i knew i wanted to be your friend when i found your blog bc 1) everyone loves u and 2) you are so incredibly nice <33 i really hope we get to grow closer in the future!! you are so supportive even though we aren't close, and just know that you can always come to me for anything!! also i just love your adoration for our joober it’s SO SWEET, i love to see you geek about him bc it really is the cutest thing <33

@haoranghae — jill!!!!!!! my eastern standard time pal!!!!!!! <33 honestly i think you're the only moot where i DONT have to think about you being asleep while i’m up bc i know we’re on the same time schedule :’) my multifandom buddy who shares my love for victon and honestly a lot of other groups too!! surprisingly we don’t message often but like, i feel like when we DO talk we always pick up where we left off, if that makes sense? i always feel at home talking with you <33 and you’re so freaking SUPPORTIVE always saying nice things and going out of your way once in a while to pop in the inbox!! jill dear you are such a joy, thank you for being you 🥺

@morkyun — carly my sweet angel!!! one of my most precious fellow kyunbebes!!!! idk why you’re so darn SWEET TO ME!! just the sweetest; always asking how i’m doing, always crying over changkyun with me, always participating in ask games sdkjflskdfjslkf how can i ask for anything more than you?? super DUPER grateful to have u in my life, literally such a blessing <33 AND U HAVE ME IN YOUR BIO <33 IM MELTING PLS I FREAKING LOVE U!!!

@hohyuk — everyone LISTEN UP AS A TALK ABOUT ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!!!! my ma, 2/2 of the mom friends!! you aren’t as active as you were when i first started to talk to you (bc u are a wonderful working WOMAN) but gosh, you made such an impact on me ma :( you are such a caring and nurturing person like the only way i can describe you is motherly :( i remember we would always talk about our days + weekends bc we never really messaged a lot HOWEVER we would always touch base at the end of the week and catch up!! although we don’t talk that often anymore, i want you to know that you will always have a special place in my heart for being exceptionally kind to me 💘💗 and for that i am forever thankful for you ma!! love you!!

@kihyunsgf — kass my cutie patootie!!! we have been moots for a long time it feels!! ( i mean long for me since i’ve one been here since january lol) but you are such an amazing monbebe friend!!! we don’t really private message each other but it seems like we always participate in each other’s ask games so it’s always fun to get to know a little bit more about each other every time we ask questions!! you always reblog not only my work, but every other content creator moots’ works too and i just think you are an extremely supportive friend in general <33 thank you for always being so approachable and warm, and i hope we only grow closer as time goes on 💘💗

@kkyuns — okay aminah OMG so,,,,,,,,,idk if you even want me to consider you a moot yet or anything but 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 can i pls be your moot LOL srsly 🥺🥺🥺🥺 and if you don’t feel comfortable that’s okay and u can just consider this an appreciation post dksfjslkdjf but!!!!!! aminah i’ve already told you i’ve sent you so many asks anonymously and i only recently found the courage and come off bc i feel really comfortable whenever i talk to you <33 literally the KINDEST soul in the entire world;; you might not answer asks quickly ALL the time but you always find a way to make time for the people who look up to you and honestly?? that inspires me to be a kinder more gentler person!! my FELLOW NURSING GAL working your lil BOOTY off, a queen really :’) and not to mention one of the most TALENTED mbb gif makers on the entire planet i’m not even stretching that i truly mean it angel <33 thank u for making me (and others ofc) feel incredibly appreciated, and thank you for being a blessing to mbb tumblr :D

@changkynie — sian angel!!!! you have been with me since the beginning of this blog it seems like!!! thank you for always being my secretive cheerleader on my blog, i really adore you for that! you are such a cutie and you ALWAYS make time to send in little messages to both me and our lil family on my blog!! it’s really the sweetest thing; you are truly SUCH  blessing and i love waking up/falling asleep to your kind words <33 together forever bub i think <33

@tsunpan  (idk which blog you’re comfortable w me tagging so i’ll just do this one dsjfsjdf)—RATCH!!!!!!! i know a lot of ppl on your blog don’t know your name (and oddly enough i’ve never asked either bc i thought u wanted to be secretive LMAO) but then you plugged your twitter @ a while ago and u said it had your name there HEHE SO!!!!!!! i’ll keep it private :) but HOLY CRAP!! my actual first moot on here :( like my FIRST first moot ever :( says i’ve been following you for 8 FREAKING MONTHS!!!!!!!! and wow look how far we’ve come <33 i know i don’t message u as often as a should but just know i cherish this friendship like my life depends on it skdfjlksdjf and thank you for always indulging me with you’re changkyun writings (shout OUT to safekeeping kyun UGH my heart) + also sharing my love for mr. park junhee + ALSO being my astrology guru WOW u really do it all <33 ;; every time i message you i’m always like wow i wish i were as carefree and funny as my gal !! love you to the moon and back dear, thank you for putting up with me 💘💗💖💓💞

@monpabebe —lastly but CERTAINLY not least is my dear RIKA!!!!! again i have this running theme of being scared of the ppl i love LMAO but yes rika i’ve been following you too for a very very long time (i have actually sent u some anonymous stuff too hehe) but i think i fINALLY revealed myself when u mentioned your height!! SHORTBEBES OUT HERE PROTECTING EACH OTHER <33 but on a serious note, you are amazing :( i’m so glad i came out of my shell to finally talk to you; thank you for supporting my work, it means the absolute WORLD to me and thank you for also being a backbone here on monbebe tumblr as well :) i love seeing your interactions with your anons, it always puts a smile on my face 💘💗💖💓💞 whether you're arguing about tomatoes, geeking over shownu, or just giving your opinion on everything monsta x related, i always look up to you 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i know i don’t really talk to you often (bc i’m still a lil intimidated IM SORRY skdfjksd) but i would love for our lil friendship to bloom in the future rika!! :)

[thisuserlovesnayeon]

hello everyone! well i dont know who i mean by “everyone” considering my blog is basically an echo chamber for my own thoughts and feelings but nevertheless hello! as you may have seen already loads on your dash, everyone’s whipping out the end of year shoutout posts thanking the people who have made this dark hellhole seem a bit brighter. im going to do the same - so to all the people tagged below thank you very much for your services to my mental wellbeing!! as an avid fanfic consumer i will say the amount i interact with said fanfic writers is quite atrocious - something I hope to improve in the new year. so without further ado, here are some people id like to say thanks and well done to!

🌟 @starrychannies - thank you for being the first skz blog i decided to follow since stanning!! your fics are so beautifully written and you just have this way of writing that fills me with what i can only describe as warmth and love. the little details you put in and how you write the characters (both skz and the reader) is what keeps me coming for more. its like i feel a genuine connection with the characters that rarely occurs in fics it seems and im very grateful for your talent - along with the memey gifsets and picures of course! i genuinely hope 2021 is a gorgeous year for you!

🌷 @akinnie75 - where on earth do i even begin!!! i remember stumbling across your blog on a sunny june afternoon and suddenly it was time for dinner, id read all of your fics multiple times and i could barely remember that the BTS members werent really princes or ghosts or even sociology majors! the way your stories cascade across the page like a giant waterfall is something i havent seen in literature for a really long time. again, im a sucker for characterisation and you absolutely nail it every single time. thank you so much for the work you produce and once again i hope 2021 brings you joy and happiness.

⛩ @chenle - if we’re talking about blogs that fed my skz addiction, it would be a crime not to mention you. i literally vivdly remember sending you an ask saying I dOn’T eVeN kNoW wHo StRaY kIdS aRe YoUr FiCs ArE nIcE tHo and look where we are now. i can sense 2020 was a tough one, as was the case with so many people and whilst a part of me is sad you are no longer writing, i am mostly very grateful for the vast expanse of fics and ideas and stories and headcanons and everything else you blessed your cult with. i sincerely hope you can take this opportunity to rest and rejuvenate and whatever path you choose to take i will support you all the way.

🎨 @ofkimtaehyung - although i mentioned my avid consumption of fanfics, i do enjoy the occasional gifset and fanart too. whilst im past my brief tryst with BTS (she says 👀👀) one would have to be blind to ignore the immeasurable talent you hold. how you manage to manipulate music videos and photoshoots into concert ticket stubs, movie posters and broadway leaflets is honestly beyond me. BTS are already 7 of the most handsome ethereal men to exist and your sublime editing means they end up looking even more heavenly. i hope 2021 brings rewards for your work because it is seriously amazing!

⛓ @anqeluv - your changing aesthetics as well as the 2020 kinktober masterlist were all that i needed to be drawn in. the way you write the filthiest things in the most simple and eloquent manner is severely understated. lots of people tend to go overboard with the ~naughty~ scenes but you keep it the perfect balance of classy and downright filthy which is much appreciated. im very excited to see that you are possibly considering writing for ateez as well - who are one of my newer fav groups! i very much look forward to all that you will bring in 2021 and hope you are safe and well.

🐈 @chaoticminhos - it was priceless that pulled me in and all the rest of your gorgeous fics that have kept me here! and boy am i not complaining. you have such a gentle (ironic for someone called chaos i suppose) way of writing in my opinion, that keeps things flowing and simple without unnecessary embellishments and i just adore it. priceless, in my humble opinion, is such a classic that i keep coming back to. i sit back in awe at the quiet progress of their relationship every goddamn time (as though im reading it for the first time) and im very grateful for the experience. i hope 2021 brings you lots of light and positivity.

there are so many other blogs that have helped me get through this year - whether it be with their creative content like fics, their personalities and jokes shared on their blogs or even advice given to their anons. im sorry i couldnt mention everyone, but do know that if i follow you you hold a very special place in my heart and im very grateful to all of you content creators. people dont appreciate what you do enough, and instead of offering feedback and compliments you get attacked by rude anons demanding more of your work, regardless of what your personal situation might be. you dont deserve this at all and i do hope people have worked on their manners during quarantine now that we have had the time! anyway, to close off, even if you havent done anything this year, im still incredibly proud of you for making it this far. whether we’ve talked before or not (we probably havent im a bit of a hermit i’ll be honest), my inbox is always open. if you need a friend to joke with, a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to - im here. have an absolutely amazing NYE and lets make 2021 our year!!!!!

[blindbatalex]

Btw I just downed a bottle of red wine and am slightly drunk that’s why I sent you this random asfuck snippet of royal carraville without sny warning enjoyyyy

BLESS THE BOTTLE OF WINE OH MY GOD.  I saw you sent this around ~2am last night (or rather this morning I suppose) as I was wrapping up work, having survived a rough deadline.  I was too dead to read anything at that point but then, I spent most of today thinking about how this was sitting in my inbox, enjoying the anticipation and the pleasure delay, and it was even better than I could have ever imagined!  And once again it came at a time when it was so sorely needed -- thank you a thousand times!

You nail their relationship so well; I died at how gentle Gary was when he isn’t normally, but he will break his own rules and tell Jamie how much he is loved if he can see Jamie needs it, and oh boy, Jamie’s guilt!  The way he knows he will lose all of these little things he knows and loves about Gary but not telling him isn’t even an option!  And the actual reveal -- I love the way Jamie repeats “I killed him” over and over again because that’s all he can think of.  The whole thing was an incredible journey.

I also originally had thought of this reveal happening maybe 6 months into their marriage where they are kind of friends but not quite and I enjoyed how it would play out differently (than what I had in my head) if it happened later, when their bond is a lot more established.  

Lastly...raisin anon, is this you (I surmise from the way you format your quotes) or do I have two talented and lovely anons sending me fic?  Is there a way you’d like me to refer to you regardless of the answer? :3